faerybeki

Feb 07, 2011 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Tasting Heart

I am not
High Poetry,
not everyone's cup
of tea
I am merely

A poem

My writer
doesn't even like me
very much
I lack rhythm
and my rhyming sucks

but
she runs
right through me
she can't help it
I am
her heart,
bleeding
all over this paper
for you
to pick over

Read me
gently
or devour me
savor
the taste of me
love me
or
hate me

— faerybeki, Feb 07, 2011

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Been mulling over the feedback for this one and came back to add a bit to the end, and change the title be interested to know if it works. Thanks Roscoe, Anna and Jess for the input :)

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: GBR

Critiques

faerybeki

15 years 4 months ago

:) glad you enjoyed it Shirl.

:) glad you enjoyed it Shirl. Yes the poor poems, however must they feel? I hear people much prefer blogs at the moment ;) heehee. Happy I make you smile,much love Beki xxx

Roscoe Lane

15 years 4 months ago

I love,

I love the concept of the the poem coming to life to be examined, but i think the ending would be better as. I am her heart,
beating on this paper
that you pick over.
Either way i like it very much. Regards Roscoe..

faerybeki

15 years 3 months ago

Hi Roscoe, I definitely agree

Hi Roscoe, I definitely agree that I am would be better than I'm but I do quite like the heart bleeding on the paper, so that word might have to stay :) I see others have some comments on the ending so I will definitely address it, thanks for your input. Glad you enjoyed the concept and the poem, much love Beki xxx

Kailashana2

15 years 4 months ago

perhaps the last line:

I'm her heart
bleeding
all over this paper

pick me up
and read me.

faerybeki

15 years 3 months ago

I like your suggestion but I

I like your suggestion but I also like the almost rhyme, similar sound of paper and over, I'll give it some thought :) thanks for your input, much love Beki xxx

weirdelf

15 years 3 months ago

This brought me a smile, Beki, thankyou

all good thoughts and suggestions above.

My own is rather more morbid, but tasty-

bleeding
all over this paper
for you
to savor

faerybeki

15 years 3 months ago

Hi Jess, happy this brought

Hi Jess, happy this brought you a smile, I was hoping it would garner that reaction :) I like the word savor, it would maintain the almost rhyme with paper but I also wanted to kind of imply what we're hoping to do here at Neo, the critiquing, the workshopping, the picking over of our poetry, I was considering a few different titles, one included the word vultures :) there were also a few lines on how the poem wanted to be read but I felt they were lame so stopped it as it stands. Thanks for your input, I will be addressing and editing the end, much love Beki xxx

faerybeki

15 years 3 months ago

Thank you Ian :) felt nice to

Thank you Ian :) felt nice to give the poem a voice, much love Beki xxx