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A Tanka on Eclipse

World watches in awe
the superimposition
Earth shadowing Moon

Two celestial super stars
during a brief rendezvous

Style / type: 
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

A senryu followed by a couplet is actually called a tenka, at least that's what i remember from barabara's workshop. By the way, I counted 6 syllables in the second line of the couplet, unless I am wrong and "rendezvous" is a 4- syllabled word.

Alid

I stand corrected. The workshop conducted by Babara recently was titled Renga 6 and not Senryu 6 as i had mentioned in my earlier response to your comment. Now Barabara needs to confirm if this poem classifies as Renga or Tenga. :) we will soon find out if she happens to visit this one...

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Thanks for the visit and your comment. I feel rendezvous is a 3 syllable word. Assuming that to be correct I so agree that the syllable count works out to 6. Thanks for spotting this. I will correct it to 7 by replacing "At" with "During"

The workshop recently conducted by Barbara was called Senryu 6. I therefore await her clariifiation should she visit here, if this should be called a Senryu or Tenka.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I'm always glad I could be of help.

Alid

I promised to remain
within my freer domain
you ur title
do retain

loved

Thanks Loved for stopping by and for your comment.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I really thought this very clever... The word choice, the imagery, no word wastes.
I won't change a thing. Perfect!

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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Thank you for the read and your appreciative comment, works like tonic.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I happy to see the discussion here and you guys enthusiasm for learning new forms of poetry.
Actually. Alid is correct what you have written is called a Tanka. (not Tenka).

A senryu***
World watches in awe
the superimposition
Moon shadowing Sun

A couplet***
Two celestial super stars
during a brief rendezvous

Senryu + Couplet = Tanka

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

Thank you Barbara for the visit and your clarification. You didn't comment though on the Tanka...

Alid you were spot on...I stand corrected friend..

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I had plan to comment. Just wanted to make sure yall understand the difference.
I think the Tanka is beautiful. The very first line sets up the image. A star gazer watching the beautiful union of the moon and the sun and then the dance like that of a bride and groom, the moon eclipse the sun. beautiful

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

Thank you for re-visiting this page and your comment, works like tonic.

Regards,.

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

I think I'm going to attempt posting a Tanka as well for the sake of learning . All I ask is for your guidance as usual for me to improve in my writing and usage of the English words.Barbara, may I suggest that we have another Renga Workshop for those who are keen on the subject and who wanted to join but have missed out on the previous workshop.

Alid

Good friend Alid, I have already made a few suggestions on your Tenka before reading this comment of yours..

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

yes of course. All who want to join Renga with me PM me and Ill add you to the participation list.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

noted

As Barbara has mentioned, a Japanese poem following the syllable pattern 5-7-5-7-7 is a Tanka, although, it may be confusing to think of the last two lines as a couplet because couplets can be any length. Also, couplets tend to be a separate stanza but Tankas can be either 5-7-5-7-7 (one stanza) or 5-7-5 7-7 (two stanzas).

I also wrote a poem commemorating the eclipse, but I'm still not ready to post it!

If I may make one small suggestion, in a lunar eclipse, it is the earth which is shadowing the moon, so if this poem is about the lunar eclipse, line three should read "earth shadowing moon". Hope this helps.

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www.lettereddandy.xyz

So very nice of you to stop by and provide meaningful insights. They are much appreciated. I would look forward to read your post on eclipse...

Good catch on the shadow aspect, I will get it corrected.

Regards and thanks,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

Your tanka is beautiful and well-written.

Critique, don't comment.
Community guidelines: https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

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www.lettereddandy.xyz

Thank you Swamp Witch for re-visiting and your appreciative comment.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment
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