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Surrogate Eyes [Sunku]

Submitted by raj on Wed, 2018-10-31 15:00

rocky
mountains are
mysterious

silence
is their call
in the valley

breathless
I've become
their only eyes

Style / type: 
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

IRiz

Thu, 2018-11-01 17:17

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What did you have in mind, could you explain the last stanza?
Have your entire being become eyes?
Have you become eyes for some bigger creature?

IRiz

raj

Fri, 2018-11-02 05:46

as mentioned by you ...there has to be something left to imagination of the reader...in this one it's the concluding stanza...."breathless" one becomes after scaling up the rock...both physically as well as after looking around...so on climbing to the top my eyes see from the perspective of the rock....
............................................................................................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

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IRiz

Fri, 2018-11-02 08:24

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Yes, but it is always nice to know what it ment by the author.
Thank you for explaining and sharing your thoughts.
I would be a bit more specific in the last line.

Maybe,

Breathless
I've become
Their only eyes

What do you think?

IRiz

raj

Fri, 2018-11-02 14:19

thanks for coming back and giving a suggestion which is pretty good...but don't you think "i've become" is 4 syllables instead of the prescribed 3 for line 2? I have liked your suggestion and will try to find a 3 syllable line....

other than that how did you find this attempt?

thanks again...
.......................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

IRiz

Fri, 2018-11-02 14:30

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I've sounds like one syllabus :)

IRiz

raj

Fri, 2018-11-02 14:36

Thanks for confirming on syllable count IRiz...appreciated..
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raj (sublime_ocean)

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