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Sunrise

The veil of night
slips away
as the sun
returns to glory.

Its warm caress
clears the dew
bathing the land
in golden hue

Revealing the world
in a riot of colours
to celebrate life
with euphoria.....

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
This is my first attempt at imagery poem, so I might need help to make it sounds better.
Editing stage: 

Comments

"The veil of night
slips away
as the sun
returns to glory."

The imagery works well here, because you drew my attention to it in the last few words section. I ignored it on my first read. I think it's because "veil of night" is a tad cliche. Not bad though, but poets are in the habit of describing the night as a veil, or a blanket.

"Its warm touch
chase away
the morning dew
as it basks the land
in a golden hue"

L2 of this stanza should be "chases away".
L4 I never knew "bask" could be used transitively. Thanks for teaching me something new :D

I don't know why you capitalized "God". Was it for emphasis? If so, why? Does it bring more meaning to the poem that way?

These are just a few thoughts on this poem. Good morning :D

.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

thanks for the feedback. Done the edit.nope. missed out on the word "God".forget to decapitalize the last two alphabet.

Actually, its evening here. :)

Alid

author comment

Two small changes and a thing to look out for, when using an "s" to make a word Plural, as you have put in this piece the first needs to be plural as in chasing, chases..
The second to have more prayers unbalances the last line, it is a singular item as you have used His just before so prayer will do.
Prayers could also mean more than one person..

chase away--chases away
offer his thanks in prayers--offer his thanks in prayer.
Take care out there and as you say look at Wesley's teaching they are top line.
I play with words too much and am bad at punctuation and correct form, on my web page you will find a workshop category in there are many forms of poetry from A-Z..
This piece is very good, when writing general poetry in any form try not to write about a God as this restricts the field of readers.
Take care, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I appreciate the update.

Alid

author comment

You have been offered some great advice above,

this is a lovely poem I think you have done a stellar job,

I really loved this one, Well done !

love and hugs JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

thanks.have a good rest!

love and hugs
Alid

author comment

Jim and Ian have already pointed out what I would have done otherwise, I liked the theme and the way you went about it...

regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

Not sure if the line:-
"as it basks the land" is an edit but it is used in the wrong context.
Basks is to lay around, I think a better word would be "Bathes"
this is a present tense word,
Basks is a doing word and not for sunshine, unless you need a Tan then you can bask in the sunshine..
Take care and good walking with you,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

and great comments and edits.

I like Ian's suggestion to use "bathes" instead of "basks"
as it basks the land
in[with] a golden hue.
and
offer[s] his thanks in prayer

A good capture indeed.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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The veil of night
slips away
as the sun
returns to glory.

Its warm caress
clears the dew
bathing the land
in golden hue

Reveling the world
in a riot of colors
to celebrate life
with a thankful prayer.....

raj (sublime_ocean)

Thank you, everyone! You guys are wonderful! I have done the edits and I love how it turns out now.
Thanks a million!

Alid

author comment

To me it now reads good. Nice to know the suggestions proposed did not affect the essence of your beautiful poem.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

If you feel it right, you may think of the following alternative

to celebrate life
with a thankful prayer..

to celebrate life
with euphoria

raj (sublime_ocean)

Wow! Brilliant - This is a stunning poem - you've done a great job, it's just beautiful.

Awesome!

Love Mand xxxxxxx :) 10 out of 10

thanks, Mand

Alid

author comment

William is right though. You use "basks" inappropriately. How about "drapes" instead.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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the word to bathing , following raj's suggestion. Still not sure if that's the right word , though....

Alid

author comment

I would have used a single syllable.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

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