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SUCKER'S BET (substance and critique shop) { sonnet}

I guess I'll sit and slowly sling some ink
and try my level best to get it right,
penning a form at which I know I stink
in the near silence of a humid night.

Looking downward I try to count my feet,
ragged tracks left behind by moving pen
(I bet that I am way off of the "beat")
and likely need to start over again.

These lines are all stilted and stiff to me,
it's caused by counting feet and syllables,
instead of letting them just all run free,
These cursed things always give me troubles.

So do not expect a perfect sonnet.
I'd not bet a rusted kettle on it.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
I am fully aware I suck at sonnets so feel free to tell me how badly I've done.......stan
Editing stage: 

Comments

I bet you are fully aware that this eludes the sonnet structure in more than a place (though it has the three quatrains and the couplet). I bet you could do better at least with the five iambic feet instead of only four of them.
What do you say?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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four feet per line. And I'm also pretty sure a lot of this is not iambic. I'll go back and see if this might not grow another foot per verse lol. Dang, I hate sonnets

author comment

Since we're doing the Shakespearean sonnet, and all.

---------------------------------------------------------

Jonathan Moore

the part requiring this be Shakespearian in form.........grrrr..........I'll see what i can do. In the mean time feel free to point at this as Not being how to write that type sonnet............stan

author comment

i GUESS/ i'll SIT/ and SLOW/ly SLING/ some INK (PERFECT)
and TRY/ my LE/vel BEST/ to GET/ it RIGHT, (PERFECT)
PENning/ a FORM at WHICH i KNOW/ i STINK .....["to pen" ...maybe?]
in the/ NEAR SI/ lence OF /a HU/ mid NIGHT.... suggestion... "to QUIT/ the SI/ lence OF
LOOKing/ downward/ i TRY/ to COUNT my FEET, [downWARD/ i LOOK/ and TRY...
RAGGED TRACKS LEFT behind by moving pen.....[i RAG/ the TRACKS/ that LEFT/ beHIND/ by MOV/ing PEN
(i BET/ that I /am WAY/ off OF/ the "beat") [PERFECT
and LIKE/ly NEED/ to START/[it ]O/ver [']GAIN.

These LINES/ are ALL/ [so]STiLLED/and STIFF/ to ME, (I added "so")
it's CAUSED/ by COUNT/ing FEET and syLLAB/ les, (half a foot is more.. I think it's ok.)
inSTEAD/ of LETT/ing THEM/ just ALL/ run FREE, [PERFECT]
These CUR/ sed THINGS/ [have OF/ ten BROuGHT]/ me TROU/bles.(again half a foot is more)

So do/ NOT ex / pect a /perFECT/ SONnet.
I'd NOT/BETa / RUSTed/ KETTle/ on IT/. (the couplet still need work. I couldn't play with them as there lies the message of your sonnet)

Hope this helps Stan. I like the humor all through.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

You are likely the only person who is patient enough to keep trying to get me to write a properly stressed sonnet even though you should know by now that I'm likely to never get it right lol. But I'll peck away at this one a bit more and see if I can at least improve it a bit...........stan

author comment

It's not about writing good poetry, it's about sampling styles and being open to critique.

---------------------------------------------------------

Jonathan Moore

I've tried about every type poetry I've run across. But there's something about sonnets that keeps me from being any good at them. I've taken shops on writing them and tries numerous time prior to taking sonnet shops. Haiku or other Japanese forms? Free verse? Epics? Concrete? ....Not a big problem. Heck, I've even invented a few forms........sigh......guess nobody can be good at everything lol...........stan.............................but, damn it all! I Will eventually become at least proficient at writing these cursed things

author comment

you are almost there. I have much faith in you. DON'T give up.
I am thankful to Johnathan for choosing the sonnet as one of the forms in his Workshop and you are never far from composing a good one.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

I had already decided to Not join because of the sonnet requirement. But i decided it would not be right to Not support a fellow leader's first shop and figured it wouldn't kill me (quite) to try writing a sonnet again lol.......stan

author comment

You're not the only one having trouble with it. I struggled too. Can't add to Rula's input. Since Jon says its about sampling different styles and being open to critiques, I think we'll both will do just fine. lol

ALID

There ARE a lot of people who seem to limit themselves to only one type poetry so getting folks to try different things is always good...........stan

author comment

Doing so well .... I don't know if you want suggestions to fix the meter - but I'm giving them anyway - close your eyes if you don't want them :)

PEN -ning a FORM at WHICH i KNOW i STINK
(to PEN a FORM)
in the NEAR SIL-ence of a HUM- id NIGHT.
-will have to think on this one :)

LOOK-ing DOWN-ward i TRY to COUNT my FEET
while LOOK-ing DOWN i TRY to COUNT my FEET

RAG-ged TRACKS LEFT be-HIND by MOV-ing PEN
the RAG-ged TRACKS cre-AT -ed BY my PEN

and LIKE-ly NEED to START OV-er a-GAIN.
i SEE the NEED to START it ALL a-GAIN

These LINES are all STILT-ed and STIFF to ME,
these LINES are AWK-ward, STILT-ed, STIFF to ME

these CURS -ed THINGS A-lways GIVE me TROUB-les.
or - these CURSED THINGS A-ways GIVE me TROUB-les
suggest - these CURS-ed THINGS, they A-ways GIVE me TROUB-les

So do not ex-PECT a PER-fect SON -net.
i'd NOT BET a RUST-ed KETT-tle ON it.
easy fix
so DON'T ex-PECT, from ME, a PER- fect SON -net
i WOULD not BET a RUST-y KETT-le ON it

The volta? Not sure that there is one....
I like the write, and the humour
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

You don't need me.

By the 18th century the volta was out of vogue only to be revived in the 19th century. So Stan, date your poem's style, then pick and choose your volta. It's sneaky, but we're old.
What is the name of the sonnet style that uses tetrameter?

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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