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Study in Pnk Detective Maure (Section 5)
The scene is rather grisly.
Hanging around on Fleet Street is risky.
A detective by nature, Urilla said a quick prayer,
then proceeded to look for clues and evidence.
Fitzroy's body lay lifeless, red blood ran pink in the rain.
He was a man six feet tall, dark and handsome, lived a modest life.
His tan shirt, grey pant covered in blood.
He never lived to see his lady friend's romantic surprise. He lay dead, headless.
Fitzroy's body chalked out on the cement.
Urilla, dressed in mauve and pink,
bend over to study the drawing.
Gum stuck on her Mauve heels is evidence.
After much fact checking and note taking she goes home to create a profile.
At home, a small penthouse, she's fresh and relaxed studying her reports.
Her thoughts race absorbing facts found near the crime scene.
Profiling all possible suspects she makes her case.
Last few words:
I've given you a bit of Urilla Maure. She's been detecting since grade school. By nature she is curious about crimes or wrong doing. She likes to look good while she works a case. Dhe familiarized herself with evidence at the time scene. Typos and grammar error is my thorn. Inform me please If you see any.
Editing stage:
Workshop:
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Comments
wesley snow
Sun, 2014-09-28 21:52
This is (I'm sorry barb) mostly description
and not actual story. On your next round you need focus on a character or two and put them in an actual scene (such as detectives at the crime scene). The Arnold Winter bit about fighting with Fitzroy is good. Now we need the police to question him. Also we'll leave the motorcycle thing as is even though I'm not sure they were invented by 1888, but maybe it is so. Anyway we'll use it.
W. H. Snow
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Barbara Writes
Sun, 2014-09-28 22:03
Wes
Sure, okay one character or two. Got it. I can fix it. Not good at story telling but will get there.
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author commentwesley snow
Sun, 2014-09-28 22:10
Don't panic.
You're doing fine. This is, after all, a workshop and should be a learning process. Telling stories is hard poetry or not.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
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Barbara Writes
Sun, 2014-09-28 22:49
Weskey
Okay you know me panicky. I'm definitely learning a lot here and having fun doing it.
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author commentRula
Mon, 2014-09-29 04:26
Hello detective
seems you have started to live the personality. A gum you said? Was that a clue?
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Barbara Writes
Mon, 2014-09-29 10:00
Rula
Yes gum is a clue
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author commentemeka ozurumba
Mon, 2014-09-29 06:13
very crisp
Barbara very good imagery the colour to you connotes the cause for the actions in the play just like the colour purple by Alice walker, very brave write ma ... very insights likable and loved by me.....
Barbara Writes
Mon, 2014-09-29 10:01
Emeka
Thanks glad you like.
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author commentalidzain
Mon, 2014-09-29 15:42
Here's a suggestion, Barbara
The scene is rather grisly.
Hanging around on Fleet Street is risky.
Urilla was looking for clues and evidence
while Detective Guy questioned the residents.
Fitzroy's body lay lifeless in the rain.
The weather was making work a real pain.
Grim as it was, dalliance was not an option
for the killer might still be in action.
The victim's body chalked out on the cement
before it was taken away for further treatment
Urilla bend over to study the drawing
and found a gum stuck on her Mauve heels.
that will be one of her clues in the case
in the investigation's first phase
Detective Guy told her about the suspects
he has gathered from other's spoken facts
Alid
raj
Mon, 2014-09-29 14:13
Alid
Good suggestions proposed by you which makes it more crisp and smooth. However, you may want to re-look at "proper treatment" in L2 S2, since it is a corpse. I know you meant for further investigation or autopsy and used the word treatment for the rhyme sequence, in which case i think "further treatment" could be a better option....just a suggestion for you and Barbara....hope you are feeling better now and recovering well from the bout of Flu..
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
alidzain
Mon, 2014-09-29 15:43
Raj
Done the edit.
Alid
Barbara Writes
Mon, 2014-09-29 15:33
Alid
Great suggestion. I like it as it is much smoother than I could write.
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author commentalidzain
Mon, 2014-09-29 15:45
Hi Barbara
I leave it to you what you want to do with it. Mayhaps you might want to wait for other's better suggestions before editing this piece.
Alid
Barbara Writes
Mon, 2014-09-29 17:10
Yes
I hope to get suggestions. I am considering yours for edit
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author commentwesley snow
Tue, 2014-09-30 11:43
Unfortunately
it's a little late. I've already moved it to the main thread which means it cannot be changed. I have to try to keep a crisp pace or we'll be writing through Christmas. If anyone wants their submission to be held up for more suggestions I will hold it indefinitely. That means everyone else's will be held also, but that may not be a bad thing.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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