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A Study in Pink (section one)

Victoria is Queen in London Town.
The Empress rules it all with velvet hands.
‘Tis eighteen eighty eight, the city’s brown
with coal and cholera that vex the land.
But down on Fleet Street starts a tale of woe.
Her Highness will learn nothing ‘til too late.
For Secretary Fitzroy’s caught a blow
delivered of a monster’s razor hate.

One might say he has gone and lost his head.
The constabulary, they have lost it too,
but ne’ertheless they say that he is dead
and now they look about to find a clue.
While Fitzroy on the cobblestone won’t care.
He’s lost his mind and therefore cannot think.
The rain pours down; it’s playing truth or dare
and Fitzroy’s blood is washing sickly pink.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
... and so we begin. This is sixteen lines of poetry beginning the poem. I chose a specific meter and rhyme scheme to fit my sensibilities. Each poet may choose their own. Rula now must write sixteen more lines of the story. She may pick up where I left off in the streets of London with a body, the rain and some bobbies or our detectives... or she may change the scene and start somewhere else. Use all of our principal characters (not all at once of course) and BE BOLD. Carry the story, make it up, change things dramatically. Above all use your imagination. This is "Storytelling in Verse". Tell a story with poetry. Make sure you number your sections. Mine is number one. Rula's will be number two. Carrie goes next after Rula and will be section three, then Alid. The numbering is critical, so Barbara and I can keep the thing in order. Now it is time for you to critique my submission. After I have read them I will edit the piece if we deem it necessary. Then I will open a new thread with this submission at its head. All subsequent sections will be added to the end and we will have the full poem in one place as it grows. Rula, you're up.
Editing stage: 

Comments

Although we would like the submissions to come in a timely manner (a day or two?), no one is able to begin work on their section until the section preceding it is done. Therefore some time MUST be taken to formulate the tale.
However, if you take TOO long you will have a line of poets behind you twiddling their thumbs.
I will continue to repeat the order of go, so no one is confused (like me).
Order of go:
Wesley (submitted section one)
Rula (presently writing)
Carrie
Alid
Barbara
Stan
Ian
Geez
Loved
Sheba (if she joins us.)

Now go and write some thrills and chills.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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author comment

just waiting to see which direction Rula takes. I like this beginning, sets the stage well. Can't wait to throw my character in the mix :D

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

this is a good start.

Alid

I'm already thinking how Urilla will enter the scene. Can't wait to see what Rula, Carrie and Alid write.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

very much excited to bring my character onto the scene. I am waiting to see which direction Rula takes and then will decide if I am going to pick up where she and or Wesley left off or if I am going to go in a different direction from a different point in the story.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

as I am last
but one
may be last only
in case Sheba
comes if at all
don't wait for me
I will compose quickly
as you all post so slowly

cause I am a poet
one of my kind
where will Victoria ever find
one with my kind of mind
I am seeing with eyes open
I'm not yet blind
take your time
I am standing not far behind

JUST PRACTICING

none had seen me
I know
but so don't go too slow
as all I know
you all don't know
but solving the mystery
upon my shoulders
lies fairly and squarely

howz zit guys?

I think you might swap lines 1 and 3. then change line 4 to and watches cholera and coal blight the land....Line 8 seems a bit forced. Maybe something like delivered of a monster's swift keen hate.

You have done well in opening the curtain for the tale.

is a hint if anyone wants to run with it. I could switch those lines couldn't I? I think I'll leave it alone though. I will wait for Rula to publish, then I will start a new thread with this poem at the beginning. It will be entitled "A Study in Pink: Main Thread". At that location I will add all new submissions and create a cohesive whole.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

author comment

You have nicely set the ball rolling. A query I have. In line eight of S1 should it be

delivered of [off] a monster’s razor hate.?

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

Nowadays the use of, off, is misused instead of using of.
Wesley has used the correct one in his piece.
It is a modern speak thing in English now, but should not be encouraged.
Not that my English is so correct lol.
Take care out there and am waiting for the writes to come in,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I'd say you have set the scene quiet well. Now the rules are set for the most difficult game ever.
Good luck to all.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

What could be the victim's role here?
I mean he is already dead, isn't he?
Just asking! :)

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

He maybe alive and dying or unconscious to die later. The detective may get a chance to get a word or two out of him or the winess.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

Turn out to be a ghost, telling his side of the tale. ..

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

I'll stay clear of ghosts lol.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

are amazing. I think it would be awesome if the victim told his story from the perspective of his already lifted soul, seeing as how he is already deceased.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

and introduce what you think will help the tale. Fitzroy is dead. He was a government official. He was weird. Ghost? Who knows? I'm waiting to find out.
Make sure you use multiple characters. Don't focus on your own.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

author comment
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