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Stray Cat (Pastoral Poetry WS)
I used to befriend a stray cat
who was abandoned by his master
His once white fur has turned filthy
from his many adventures
My heart longed to keep him
but my parents won't allow it
so all I do is play with him
whenever I can make it
At times I fed him,
just to watch him eat
there's some happiness
in doing a good deed
Then a day came
that made me cry
I found him hurting
from the acts so vile
I can't hold back my tears
as I sat by his side
until the time passes
and my dad found me
Somehow his heart softened
and he helped my friend in need
he took the cat to the vet
and brought him home to care and feed
Today, my friend is not the stray cat he used to be
for now he stays with me and my family
as a loved, sheltered and well-fed pet
who never fails to greet me when he sees me.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Region & Country
singapore
Favorite Poets
Emily Dickinson, Robert Frost, Sarojini Naidu and friends in Neopoet.
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Comments
wesley snow
Fri, 2015-02-27 15:18
Okay first,
I'm probably not going to be very nice to this poem.
Not that the language and story wasn't riveting, but this isn't poetry. "It's prose with line breaks".
As for pastoral... it not leave me in the least comforted, at peace or satisfied. It left me horrified and in despair.
I'm sorry Alid. I liked the story, but can't see that it meets the criteria of the workshop.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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alidzain
Fri, 2015-02-27 17:31
Wes
I don't want you to be nice, I need you to tell me the truth. I know I'm not good at this so I'm learning it. I've done a total overhaul and made it simpler. Now tell me what you think and give me some suggestion. Its hard to do this without help when the pain is constantly bugging me.
Alid
author commentwesley snow
Sat, 2015-02-28 16:26
This is closer.
I don't know if I'd call it pastoral. It is still sad, it still left me bummed. A pastoral poem should leave me feeling good, comfortable.
I'm not crazy about the meter in this verso libre. Even free verse needs rhythm and this is a little stilted.
Did you get the invitation to the next workshop? It will be held in the Wading Pool and concern beginning meter. I hope you come.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
alidzain
Sun, 2015-03-01 01:48
Wes
I beieve our Rula is the one who has added my name to the list of participants for that workshop upon my request to join.
Alid
author commentRula
Sun, 2015-03-01 08:43
Khalid
I know you can do better.
Why don't you pick another title and try again.
I would love to read a pastoral poetry in a sonnet form. :)
I have already done mine. Why don't you tell me what do you think of it?
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judyanne
Sun, 2015-03-01 09:12
yes Alid
Try again...
Or do what Rula and I did, and write about something not on Stan's list - something you feel at peace with... and then there'll be three of us breaking the rules, and three is a powerful number isn't it?
Love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
alidzain
Mon, 2015-03-02 01:51
Hi all!
I've made more edits. Tell me what you think.
Alid
author commentRula
Mon, 2015-03-02 02:13
Salam Khalid
I think that wasn't bad at all. A happy, peaceful end at least. :)
Good for both of you.
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alidzain
Mon, 2015-03-02 02:23
Salam, Rula
Although this poem is just an imagination, the truth is my family are very close to cats. We have 3 in our old house. My dad used to feed the stray cats as well and even stopped them from fighting. One of them died, ihtin with snake which slipped into our house. When we moved house, we gave them to our neighbours as there is a rule that prohibits cats in our block at that time.
Alid
author commentRula
Mon, 2015-03-02 02:57
Yes, Khalid
I felt you're close to them. That's absolutely nice. We always have them, BUT always out of the house. They are good to keep the rodents away. My parents rule says " feed them but not to the fill, so that they would hunt whatever they find around. :)
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scribbler
Mon, 2015-03-02 11:59
Hi Alid
Your edit has now made this such that it could be labeled pastoral. You need to look through it a bit more closely in reference to change in tense mistakes and then this could be one you should be proud of. thanks for participating and sorry for my late response........stan
alidzain
Mon, 2015-03-02 13:27
Stan
Please point them out 'cos admittedly I don't know where they are.
Alid
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