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Springtime Haiku...

brightly hued blossoms
chill breezes, frozen fingers
delight in her grasp

Style / type: 
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

my idea of haiku. It introduces the season with suggestions and finishes with a surprise line that ties the other two lines together. I especially enjoyed your use of two of our six senses, but the emotive last line is a perfect frame. Very good!

Thomas

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...so like my lost dreams...the flood

I kept the original idea and the last line, because I thought that you had a point. Thank you for your read and comment. ~ Geez.
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It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

author comment

Hello, Geez.
You've wasted two words with personal pronouns, the "nature" bit is fine but why are you in it.

Hate these damned things btw,,, a tad beyond me,,, yeah yeah yeah, a personal pronoun, I know!

Obi.

no personal pronouns! Thank you for your critique, it made me go back and take a second look at the form! ~ Geez.
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It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

author comment

Hello, Geezer,
You have captured the essence of Spring. Your last line is wonderful!
Thank you!
L

I appreciate your comments, especially since they are favorable. LoL
~ Geez.
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It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

author comment

Try a comma between breezes and frozen. It might clarify your intent

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