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Spring-Breeze

Submitted by BlueDemon77 on Sat, 2012-07-14 17:02

Spring Breeze
By RW

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shoes sway from the black-grime electric line
a red-brick porch, a black man drinks wine
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another approaches with glances exchanged
one pulls out a checkerboard
the other raw tobacco and wraps
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sunrays slowly moving forward
Ray grabs down to his bucket to bring out a prize
Four Fourty ounce bottles of Colt 45
Ben grabs his hankerchief drying brow and eyes
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"whoo-ee it's hot out here" awake and alive
Ray says "quit bitchin' son or keep up if you please
we got friends, we've got 40's, we've got this spring breeze".
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Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Snapshot filled with love.
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

judyanne

Sun, 2012-07-15 06:24

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a glimpse of real life
well done, you formed so many visuals for me in this short piece....

nothing at all to crit
- just a mention that 'sunrays' so close to the name 'ray' pulled me up a little... maybe you could use 'sunshine'? (unless, of course, you wanted to have a play on the word - ray being the ray of sunshine that he obviously is lol - "quit bitchin' son or keep up if you please / we got friends, we've got 40's, we've got this spring breeze"....

also - another mention of the use (twice) of the word 'grabs' ... can you think of another way to say the first? it just doesn't seem quite right...

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

BlueDemon77

Sun, 2012-07-15 16:38

BlueDemon77's picture

Yeah, I've been pretty proud of this on. I saw it more or less play out in the border of The Ohio State University. "Ray" said hi to me, I smiled and waved back. I did plan on Ray and ray being tied together, but you are definitely correct about the grabs thing. That was just lazy. I don't know how it got past me. I usually will do a notepad version of each suggestion I as criticism, with this one I don't think it will be necessary. The first grab is lazy poetry.

Thanks again Judy!

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

Ian.T

Thu, 2012-07-19 09:19

Ian.T's picture
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A picture painted of life as it is.. As Judy probably "sunbeams" could be used instead of Rays, Grand write , Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

BlueDemon77

Sun, 2012-07-15 16:44

BlueDemon77's picture

I know how this happened, it's when I re-wrote a proper form Terza Rima for Rula and she called me Don when she thanked me. My name is actually Ron. I appreciate your input. Ray and ray (sun) are identical on purpose. It was a play on the attitude and his 'sunny' disposition. I'm proud of this one simply because it was supposed to be a tiny spontaneous writing and it came out as a 1080p snapshot with two defined characters that I didn't write. Thanks Ian!

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

loved

Sun, 2012-07-15 12:53

loved's picture

A myriad slides flashed across my mind...
imagining drunkards

nude in a pub
stark naked
dark corners
some day will come

when lawlessness
overcomes....

loved

BlueDemon77

Sun, 2012-07-15 16:49

BlueDemon77's picture

When I wrote this I wasn't really going for anything, it was a spontaneous writing based upon an event. What came out is something I'm very proud of. The friends are well written without being well written, it's visually recognizable, and the end plays realistic and perfect. This wasn't a polemic against drinking, it was the tale of two friends bantering in the warm spring air and sharing some beverages.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

loved

Thu, 2012-07-19 08:56

loved's picture

two things about Loved

one ought to know ...
first
when one does compose
the mind itself does expose

and
second
when one ie another one
is read loved's mind is dead
and
face is red
with dread

foolish you
dumb guy
can't you see the open fly
the mind's eye
the metaphor ..
the refrain
the disdain ...
finally the pouring rain
and
now as you explain
the heat does all poets drain..

me to equally
and you?????

loved

scribbler

Sun, 2012-07-15 16:47

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for some reason this brings to mind " a loaf of bread, a slice of cheese a bottle of wine and thee"...........stan

BlueDemon77

Sun, 2012-07-15 16:51

BlueDemon77's picture

Perhaps a different demographic but you are more or less correct. Checkers, box fans and 40 oz-ers. I didn't expect it to be anything but it seems authentic as a breath to me now.

Thanks Stan

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment
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