Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Soulmate (re-write of Mark's) (The Theory of Relativity WS)

You're the breath,
the scent I inhale
with air to give me
a life after death.

I live you.

You're the warmth
the blue that shows
through overcast,
and the eyes
of the heart.

I live you.

Let our hearts
escape to reach
where nothing
would breach
and preach
but love.

I live you.

------

The original by Mark

I live you…

When I need you above all else
Our hearts run along the same pulse
There is no fear in the hell that has come near
I’m with your breath inhaling you till death
And there would be life after and that would be good

You are the blue that appears through the overcast
The sunshine that follows and the light in my heart
That brings your loving to my eyes, your warmth amassed
When I am reminded there was never in us a parting

We sleep in a room filled with strangers never minding
As the dragon is passed only we are finding
That alone two hearts bound always had been found

We escape to the world where cares forget
We fly on the dove come to reach us nothing to breach it

Loving for loving is your life in my heart

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

You did a lovely rewrite of Marks piece, it flowed and had all the thoughts of the original without any loss of theme, well done I cannot fault it,
Yours Ian.T
PS:- As you know I have an aversion to scent it seems so base, but love the word Perfume, though there are many people that still use it.. lol

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

(who me?).
Two scientists lay on a hill gazing at the sky (this is a true story, but I fear I cannot remember the names involved).
The first describes why the sky is blue. The preponderance of hydrogen in the atmosphere reflects sunlight in such a way as to cast that part of the prism we perceive as blue.
The second says... "It's blue."
Both are viable. Both are beautiful.
This is the first example of a rewrite in this workshop where both poems succeeded, but in utterly different ways. The same destination. Utterly different roads to reach it. If I had to choose, I would say this pair of poems displayed the purpose of the shop most accurately.
Well done, my beloved student.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Two opinions that I really value. So could I say that the mission is accomplished :)
I wonder if Mark is sharing the same opinion, always curious to know

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

You think that it's kind of hallmark staff, don't you? :)

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

Your original writing is more than satisfying. Unlike what men think, very simple words usually satisfy the women.Go ahead, don't hesitate. I'm sure she'll love it.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

I got the meaning of those lines

"We sleep in a room filled with strangers never minding
As the dragon is passed only we are finding
That alone two hearts bound always had been found."

I always thought tit is okay that the author to add any special notes about the piece .
Sorry I couldn't help in writing your love letter, but why would I do? It is yours, isn't it?:)

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

I don't think I got what you mean here Mark.
Is it the word scent that you are not happy with? I'm not sure.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

Your point. Thanks for the clarification.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

I still like perfumes as aposed to scent it is a lovely word, as the breath of the others life's essence.

You're the breath,
of perfume's I inhale.
With air to give me,
a life after death.

Still being a busybody, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Writing love poetry is a stinker. I'd give much to write one lovely sonnet that moved the heart of my wife and demonstrated my love for her without being sappy and silly.
"Shall I compare thee to someone else's poetry? Mine would be lacking."
I need a good sword fight to shine.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I think you succeeded in widening the potential audience for a poem written with just one person in mind. I have but a single suggested change :Change the last "I live you" to I love you. I think the earlier repeated I live you's would set this up to have a better impact and to clarify that this Is a love poem.

Congrats to both you and Mark for each having written well........stan

how kind of you. I'm really happy you like it.
Thanks for your kind words.
Take care.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.