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Soul (rewrite of Scott's poem) by Ron BlueDemon77

Scott's -------------------------------------------------------------Ron's

the lines on my face --------------------------------------- the mapwork furrowed
tell a furlong tale ----------------------------------------------- on my face will spell
no thought dare erase ----------------------------------- each loss a burrow

barely a man ------------------------------------------------ a childman caught
you stole the sheets ------------------------------------ laughed at my chill
warmed me with embrace ------------------------ pull the hookline taught

taken by your beauty ------------------------------------- blinded by the dark rim
childlike to your lies -------------------------------------- student to unreal topic
surrender to lurid disgrace ---------------------------- My soul would have died at your whim

speak your name ------------------------------------------ I speak the name
but not for your heart --------------------------------------- profane name I love
you leave me to chase ----------------------------------- I'll call from shadows

blanket the light ------------------------------------------------ skeletal night
to hunt in the dark ------------------------------------------- gnawing at bark
you hid like a tease ---------------------------------------- I lost you with ease

the journey continued ------------------------------------- she turned innuendo
'til my breath stood still --------------------------------- She is in for the kill
bent, hands upon knees ------------------------------- wailing crescendo

beg for pause ----------------------------------------------------- wanted cause
wish to suspend, but you took -----------------------------the chain and hook
that which i need --------------------------------------------- it spreads your seed

This should work. Scott's is the first column, mine is the second column. I wrote the second part so they could be read as a single piece (I hope), but you can still see exactly who did what..

Ron
BD77

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

If it's not too much trouble would you please post Scott's original on this page for easier comparison? Thanks..............stan

Both works are shown above, but t looks like the separation Ron intended did not come through. My words are at the beginning of each line and his the end.

Scott

Apparently he was trying to post them side by side. He has run into the same problem I have when trying to post parallel poetry. I guess to put ....... between the part of each line which is original and the part which is a rewrite would clarify things. But I'm open to any method which makes it clear whose work is whose............stan

I wish to come once and read something not dark from your pen.
When I read Scott's
I loved the imagery and read the subtext to be about someone in despair but I couldn't get the same feeling in your version.
I thought you needed to decode some of the lines by using some clear simple voc but in my opinion you come up with some more .

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

You're probably right, I do spend too much time in the shadows. I am working on it. and the piece I've never shown here may be proof of that. This is one of my very personal poems, one with which I preposed to my wife of nearly 14 years. I hope you enjoy it. Maybe I'll put some other lighter poems of mine here so you can see that I am not just brooding in the darkness. I hope you enjoy them:

To Maria

I am here
shattered
In a haze
I see you
all my love
will greet you
I have nothing
but I love you
-
Part 2

please sit with me flower
I crave your scent
dew covered petals
that stretch in the morning
toward the sun
-
-
Am I a fool to love
the breeze as it floats
by on its journey?
Am I a sage to open
my heart to being alive
again?
-
-
I can not say more
the light that shines
behind these words.
-
that I am real
and stricken, and content
with darkness no more
-
to hell with art and pretty words
the sounds like blocks that tumble
to a frozen earth
-
I will write my greatest poem
-
-
upon your lips with mine
-
-
-
-
~~~~End~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ron
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

Power

She Loved me like a lightning bolt
caressed me like a breeze
She softened the electric jolt
with bloodstained melodies

She met my naive wondering
with worldly teacher's tone
she took the distant thundering
and made it all my own

Her kiss was urgent, ravenous
Her lips a velvet hook
Her deep set eyes were cavernous
with hidden pleasures look

Her body valleys mountains seas
Her smell opiate mist
Her hair silk tentacles of pleas
her secrets to be kissed

Her absence is a void left sore
Her missing hurts the worst
this vacancy was seen before
I'm not the last or first

The hurt is palpable in time
its aches congruent beak
she gave me soul pain's noble rhyme
so I in time could speak

Sometimes I think of her still yet
It's smiles and Mayday sprees
despite the razors, no regret
I've known rare ecstasies

With time and with mere circumstance
I'm blessed and joyous too
by fate's design or just by chance
to know the Power that's you

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

sorry

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

Sing

sing of it children, free and unafraid
each syllable's ring, each consonant laid
laugh at the high spot, weep into the blue
bemoan wet feet from the holes in your shoe
rest in the chemical scent of her shade

As time passes that sunlit serenade
will hold you up and fix your barricade
you'll ponder how much she remembers you
sing of it children

mourn and are worn sometimes torn masquerade
we wear to prepare when love has a blade
the further we saw and further we knew
we would make all the same hullabulloo
love piranha frenzy, you'll want it too

sing of it children

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

I am sorry if my comment has annoyed you in one way or another. I thought we needed to be quite honest especially when we work on Workshops . Posting your light pieces here was not necessary as a proof that you write other works other than dark poetry. I am asked to give my opinion in your re-write of Scott's and that's what I did((honestly)).May be I am not good enough at embellishing my words. I wonder where is everyone else and why no one but me commented on yours but at least I did honestly.

Again I apologize. I am surely misunderstood . Evreyone is special in a way, and every kind of poetry has its own fans and yours was always appreciated by many which makes no much importance for my opinion.
Please accept my deepest apologies.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

Hi Rula,

I would say it's an apt comment. I wouldn't have you say anything other than what you perceive as the truth. There are no bad feelings on my side whatsoever. I simply wanted to show the playful, innocent, fun-loving, satirical side of my style. It was just my need to do so. It may be goofy but it's my goofy.....hehe.

Ron
BD77

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment
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