Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

A Sonnet for the End

As raging fires burn around our place
And crashing waves threaten us, unnerve us
Your old ridges and lines, most beauteous
Grant me your strength, as I caress your face
Grant me divine love, your eternal grace
For when our joints grow stiff and cold and ache
When my bones are brittle and start to break
My shaking hands destroy our blames by mace
Wiping all imperfections from our bone
Because here you are perfect, old or new
Here I am close, perfection oh so blue
A great distant sun burns brightly alone
For you, I grow the sweetest honeydew
For you, the Midgard serpent overthrown.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I am really trying to broaden my types of poems, so this is my very first sonnet. Let me know if I should continue writing them! (Also a huge thank you to @blistered-pen for all their help!)
Editing stage: 

Comments

as to what kind of sonnet this is. The two most recognisable are the Shakespearean and the Petrarcan, both comprised of 14 lines and written in iambic pentameter (or if not written in meter, 10 syllables for each and every line) but with different rhyme schemes.

Few of your lines are symmetrical in terms of syllables and your rhyme scheme is kind of all over the place. Not that I dislike it,nor do I see it as a detriment to your poem, I just don't think it's a sonnet (unless it's a type of sonnet I'm ignorant of, in which case feel free to let me know on that).

Now, in spite of it possibly not being a sonnet, you have set quite a scene, and you have taught me something new (the Midgard serpent, fascinating!). I get a strong Poe vibe, it reminds me of the same imagery of Annabel Lee, the sea, undying love, the raven! Excellent bones in my humble opinion.

I just noticed you're a new member! Welcome! I hope I don't scare you off, this is some good work that could be fantastic with a little reworking of the rhythm, line lengths, and the rhyme scheme.

This is a link to the simplest definition of the sonnet, for me to understand at any rate, it makes it much less threatening in my opinion: http://www.writersdigest.com/editor-blogs/poetic-asides/personal-updates...

Clearly, you have a strong handle on imagery, metaphor, and rhyme, as is evident here:
"When my bones are brittle and start to break
When our joints grow stiff and cold and ache
When you and I forget our names
My shaking hands will release our blames
Into the sun, to burn alone
Wiping any imperfections from our bone
Because you are perfect, old or new"
I'm sincerely glad you joined us here and I hope you stay.

All the best, and definitely keep practising your sonnets! From what I can see, they fit your voice well.

PS please don't hesitate to let me know if I've overstepped at all here. I try my best to be as constructive/helpful as possible and if I can improve on that in any way, I'd love to know.

- JRS

"and what if I write of you.
is that more love than you can handle."
nayyirah waheed

Hi @blistered-pen !
Thank you so much for the feedback. You have not overstepped your boundaries at all! I really appreciate the website you provided- great resource. I will definitely check out that rhyme scheme. I've actually never written a sonnet before, so this is great practice! And thank you for the warm welcome. I will stick around this website for sure. Have an amazing day, and happy writing!

All the best and happy writing,
Bookdragon

And I know from that Elysian freight
She will brave but once more the Atlantic weather,
When dory and fisherman sail by fate
To seek for the Happy Isles together.
-Robert Frost

author comment

Happy writing to you as well :)

- JRS

"and what if I write of you.
is that more love than you can handle."
nayyirah waheed

Welcome to Neopoet..

though Sonnet is not my comfort zone I liked the critique of blisteredpen ...your open mind will definitely enable you to rework on the sonnet ...we have few others like Rula who has a good handle on this form as too Judyanne and few others whom I do not see on the site for a long time....I suggest you visit the workshop on sonnets which you will find listed under the workshop tab where you will have more inputs from them...
.............................................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.