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Sometime...Somewhere (Effective Pastoral WS)

I always wished to live where angels are,
on shores perhaps… but oceans often rage
and put down everything including dreams,
I'd rather pick a safer place to dwell.

So maybe higher places, 'way and far
where mountains touch the clouds, the moon is full,
but then the eyesight jars the skyscrapers,
and sure that's not where angels often are.

I'd rather live where I can talk to God,
and only hear celestial fairies' chants,
then stars would shine, and they would never fall
where mighty things indwell and are divine.

I want to be so close to heart, to God.
Then I'll be close to where the angels are.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Does it look like a pastoral poem. Sorry I've eluded the titles suggested LOL... I said I will revolutionize
Editing stage: 

Comments

Stan punished me for circumnavigating his titles, and I had to name mine only as pastoral poem number 1

I think teach is playing favourites if he let's you off without a touch from his new whacking stick
(Just joking honey)

you do know stanza 2 verses 2 and 4, as well as the 2nd of your couplet, are out in meter ??

Love the write
Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Thank you dear. I shouldn't have rushed it without a treble check. :)

I hope Stan would forgive me this time. I have never violated the rules before, you know, but none of the titles stimulated my appetite and certainly the fault is mine not his.

highly ppreciate the visit and the feedback.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

none of them stimulated mine either, and when I said so, he made me write one without a name, just 'pastoral poem number one'
lol
what a punishment - who's going to open and read a poem with that name?

lol again
I'm waiting to see if he punishes you, and if he doesn't, then I'm gunna report him to Jess for favouritism in WS ... that'll teach him. Jess'll give him what for....
:)

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Stan is a kind hearted guy..I guess he will find an excuse or a reasonable way to keep you out of harms way :)

[grinning],

raj (sublime_ocean)

decided the theme off the pastoral poetry.
I then should re-do my assignment.

Can anyone assure me that this is pastoral before the boss is checking? :)

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

It romanticises the places of nature and God
The ending is a tad weak, in that it doesn't really give that 'all is right with the world' feeling - but that's a hard one to get... it does give the reader a peaceful feeling - so close enough imo
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I hope Stan will share the same point of view.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

be liberal with these ladies who are not following your instructions about the title for their pastoral scribing..at most you can give them a feather lash for their falling out of file..lol...

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

:)

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

I agree with Judyanne regarding the ending.
A suggestion, though I hesitate on ground where I am uncomfortable and would not wish to distort your meaning
I want to be so close to heart, to God.
Then I will know that I'm where angels are
or
I want to be so close to heart, to God.
Then I'll be close to where the angels are.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

if I do the change, would you guarantee that I won't be flogged by the master's meter stick? :)

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

Thank me, I have let off the hook, didn't you read what Stan has said? He has circumvented being cruel when he said that the titles were just a suggestion and not mandatory ....:)

So get that worry off your chest and move on freely...

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

thank you raj. But it is something related to a change in the meter now suggested by jess. I think I like it, but I can see the meter stick waving in someone's hand around.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

it is a valid one that works. If Stan comes anywhere near you with his meter stick tell him I've got a freeform nuke aimed at his head.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Thank you. I really like it this way.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

and I confess I'm the last to suggest this (especially with my meter workshop starting), but...
a perfectly metrical rhythm is not necessarily a good thing. We learn the form, so that we can use it, not have it use us.
I found no trouble with your blank verse sonnet that can't be rectified easily or simply left alone.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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two or such more before I start breaking the rules.
Appreciate your kind visit.
Do you think I've succeeded in expressing the pastoral thing sir?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

I did not suspect you would have difficulty with the concept. You've been writing pastoral poetry for years, my dear.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

were never meant to be the only ones allowable. So that's no problem. But rubbing my nose into how easy sonnets are for, apparently, everybody but me....that's plain mean....lean over and prepare to be flogged ...with an ostrich feather lol..........stan

I think I deserve the punishment.
Will be the last time though, if you let this one go. :)
Thank you!

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment
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