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Something Borrowed
You give me your opinion on life.
Detested on what's wrong;
Adoring what's right.
Investing on where you belong.
Gaining a profit on hype
Based on the sight
Of what others see as blessed
With no means to reflect on your aim
To wisen up.
How else would you liven up?
If I didn't take your misery; make it mine
If I didn't face your mixed-in peace,
Senseless grief, contradictive speak;
Make the time
To lay flat, relaxed with nerves of steel
As you etch with force, how you feel
As if you want me to know the hurt
In every line that repeats......disturbed.
Knowing I'm your only bridge,
I don't want you to forget
That I'm your notebook......hollow.
The pages given are something borrowed.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
i would greatly appreciate raw honesty.
Editing stage:
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Comments
Geezer
Mon, 2016-05-30 20:35
Yes, it is true...
we feed from the works of each other and make each emotion pinned to the page with words; our own. I like what I see from you. I know that your wish to grow as a poet will come true. Your title is good and the logic flowed well from beginning to end, not too obscure. ~ Geezer
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
jzarmel
Tue, 2016-05-31 12:43
i am very appreciative of the
i am very appreciative of the comment. it's especially good to hear that my logic flowed well from beginning to end. I've usually had trouble with fluidity.
author commentRula
Mon, 2016-05-30 23:48
hello
and thanks for sharing your thoughts. I find your your poem interesting. It's different in a way. I still can't tell what is different about it. It has some food for thinking. Some lines need a re-work, so they'll flow better. I found difficulty in understanding, especially with the following lines:
"If I didn't take your misery; make it mine
If I didn't face your mixed-in peace,
Senseless grief, contradictive speak;
Make the time"
Seem like a philosophy you believe in, or it could be only me.
Just my humble thoughts.
Thanks for sharing.
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jzarmel
Tue, 2016-05-31 12:53
thank you for you time and
thank you for you time and comment. may i ask, which lines, to you, would need re-work to flow better?
as to your difficulty with the lines that you have mentioned, i tried to show what's it's like to be trapped in my woes as a writer and for the personification of my notebook to be my therapist explaining to me of how i get peace twisted with war/chaos; how i grieve even over the smaller things; how i speak of being more considerate of others, yet care less how they feel and how my notebook makes the time to listen to it all.
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