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Soldier’s Battle -Of Memories- Military (May Contest) AFRESH

Soldier’s Battle ....Of Matters Military

Distant rain-forests since uninhabited
gives me a virtual, at times real image
of combatants shriveled up in
Military Fatigues,

A weary teenage soldier
across the densest jungle
of a far off almost like any other
God forsaken place
called
Vietnam.

The young fighter
then needed love most
the softness, the affection, and tenderness
since extinguished and replaced
now with hatred, bloodshot eyes
full of immense wrath
against the vile, rival
concealed may be beyond a solitary tree...

Forests are a dangerous
place to be
as one doesn't know
a tiger, a reptile, an anaconda
or the stray bullet of a villain
may take one’s life
just for the asking

but at that moment of Time,
no true soldier knows
where actually is he...
as one lurks behind the intertwined
dense foliage of trees
in a passion of self preservation,
fear and hatred

The unbeaten warrior
has relinquished/extinguished all hopes
of being once again
back within a loving family

why then ever consider
forsaking the bravest valiant fighter
now lying breathless, in me?

Vietnam, Iraq, Syria
or any other place it could be
still waiting for me

O politicians
why prematurely veil
a serviceman insensibly...

A warrior confronts wars
in the wilderness
for welfare and security
to save his very own country.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Fatigues are an ORDER OF BATTLE DRESS wherein a Soldier is self contained . for at least a week or ten days.. singularly to brave the onslaught of bullets
Editing stage: 

Comments

your reference to Vietnam War reminds me of a very callous and loose remark made by the WH Aide about Senator McCaine and she is getting away with it without making a public apology.
.........................................................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

but everything is okay
in
love and war

rather as
IN MY FAIR LADY

Everything is
FAIR
in
LOVE
and
WAR

author comment

She said "Anyway he is dying" ...if you are not aware Senator McCain was tortured as a POW during Vietnam War and is a respected Senator on both sides of the Aisle and is suffering from brain cancer.
...............................................................................................................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

I could feel the slowdown that comes physically when the emotional shock hits. But even moreso, I could see it through your words.
it's always worth the risk to love"... I go back to your write and try to paint it optimistically... The effort it takes me to do so validates how strong the flow of your words must be. I rarely strive to paint love with a vibrant brush. Thank you for challenging me with this write.
Dependin' on what side of love's coin the reader is on, this piece has the perspectives of either hope or despair

Mario Vitale

DO POST IT HERE ONLY
LET NEOPOETS
All of em see
LOVEDLY
loves poetry
and
is no nonsense a poet -tree
he gives birth to challenges
as love war and a bullet
now your barrel has left
bleeds me

it's the stance you take
chevvy

So glad you must be
how many read thee
your poetry is abs exquisitely

author comment

of the military man; who used his youth to fight a battle that was half way around the world for people that he didn't know. It's a little rough around the edges, but i'm sure that you will smooth it out.
~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

smooth are guys edges
and the thorns may prick
still I'll try to smooth-en up a bit

just tell me where please
I'd iron out a bit
to avoid a tease

author comment

I agree with Gee, this just needs a little tidy and it will shine.
I look forward to your edit before the deadline, not a pun.
Have you ever been in a war zone???
I have to use imagination to see these places.
Take care and know we walk with you,
Yours Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

ask me where
I as Lovedly
NOT BEEN
I have many war scenes and seen
WAR AND PEACE
To begin with
Hail Hitler
to add on
MEIN KAMPH
The Crusaders
have you ever heard
VIETNAM
haven't you ever heard..

A Poet's IMAGINATION
can never be QUESTIONED .
None the less I will to my poem return

No AWARD in this LIFE will ever I earn .
Even three times here I burned the midnight oil
ASK JESS AND STAN
Then you also confess
what a POET I AM
not just a simple BARD....

author comment

Yep have been in a war zone, served with the UN in Cyprus, and as a civilian in the SAAF up at the Caprivi Strip north Namibia.
There to stop the terrorists coming over the Angolan border, luckily didn't see much fighting there.
Had to sort out 7 Pumas that had a problem, its a long story..
I had to write a new poem for the May comp but here is one I wrote earlier:-

Why Me?

Why did he look at me so
Just his eyes and head
Laying in the wet snow
A reality of this war

How did I come to be
Here so that I could see
Such horror of my friends
Their death untimely ends

Clouds rolled raggedly in
The gas took many away
How could man learn to pray
God was not with us today

Day on day we stood in slime
Many friends gone yet I am fine
Did you make me live to tell
Or to put me in memories hell

Now I have been sent home
Faces never leave me alone
I limp my way to rations hell
Yet you in foxholes do dwell

Help me to come to terms
With those I left behind
Let them now find rest
Let them know I tried my best

I will make a journey there
To wash the named stones.
Row on row the pain grows
Just forgive me for being so

Say no more of times gone by
I tried my best for you and I.
One day we will meet
Remembering life so sweet.

Before we went away..

Take care young Bard and know we walk with you, Yours, Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

first read my newer one
then come
FIRST
or maybe
second
or special

menshun

author comment

First on the technical end I would try to avoid "..." I use it a lot in comments, because it's a way of expressing a conversation, "like, you know..." I think it detracts from poetry. If you remove them it does not change the meanings, just the tone to more concrete.
In the opening you say of Vietnam is a "God forsaken place". All tropical jungles might be that, but I think to the Vietnamese the whole country was hardly that.
Personally I am not convinced this is true:

A warrior confronts wars
in the wilderness
for welfare and security
to save your country...

Perhaps to save HIS country, although we basically lost the war in Vietnam and the country was ever hardly in danger from it. Nor was Korea. Nor was Iraq, now disputably the stupidest war we have had based on lies and falsehoods. To me a warrior confronts wars because the masters of wars make wars, and most of them are for very little, or nothing at all.

To me this is the strength of the poem

why then ever consider
forsaking the bravest valiant fighter
now lying breathless, in me? (add a question mark not "...")

This is where the poem should go, where you become a haven for the warrior now trapped in his environment with little hope of survival.
..

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

so very much
shall instantly
comply

author comment

Hello Lovedly,
Here I found your poem, initially I thought it is on the top of the feed and did not find it.
Very interesting and deep work.
I have suggestions/questions:

Distant rain-forests since uninhabited
gives me a virtual, at times real image
of combatants shriveled up in Fatigues,
(Distant rain-forests
instead of adventure story
gives me an image of warriors,
combatants shriveled up in fatigue?)
A weary teenage soldier
across the densest jungles (jungle?)
of a far off almost like any other
God forsaken place
called
Vietnam.

The young fighter
then needed your love most (I would take out your)
the softness, the affection, and tenderness
since extinguished and replaced
now with hatred, bloodshot eyes
full of immense wrath
against the vile, rival
concealed may be beyond a solitary tree...

Forests are a dangerous
place to be in (may be remove in?)
as one doesn't know
a tiger, a reptile, an anaconda
or the bullet of a villain (a bullet?)
may take one’s life
just for the asking

but at that moment of Time,
no true soldier knows
where actually is he...
as one lurks behind the intertwined
dense foliage of trees

in a passion of ( self preservation,
fear and hatred).

The unbeaten warrior
has extinguished all hopes
of being once again
back within a loving family

why then ever consider
forsaking the bravest valiant fighter
now lying breathless, in me?

Vietnam, Iraq, Syria
or any other place it could be
still wait for me (waiting?)

O politicians why veil a serviceman
insensibly(? instead of ...)

IRiz

(Distant rain-forests
instead of adventure story
gives me an image of warriors,
combatants shriveled up in fatigue?)

Fatigue is a military battle order dress mainly for war

A weary teenage soldier
across the densest jungles (jungle?) yes I too toyed about the plural ''s''...now removed

then needed your love most (I would take out your) okay taken it out

place to be in (may be remove in?) okay removed .... in

or the bullet of a villain (a bullet?) normally enemy soldiers also carry small arms to fire bullets

in a passion of ( self preservation,
fear and hatred). ....may be shall replace it as you better feel

still wait for me (waiting?) as u ilke it

O politicians why veil a serviceman
insensibly(? instead of ...) not clear!!!!!!

author comment

Dear Lovedly,
you should listen only to yourself,
and change your lines only if YOU like them.
But i am flattered that you like some of my suggestions.
Regarding the last lines i suggested to replace dots with a question mark. Sorry if i was not clear.
Have a nice day, soldier.

IRiz

yeah
but in poetry I don't like Qs marks
I leave it to the reader by using ellipses
some how i feel comfy ..
Thanks
and when u have time
read
WHEN
and guess how I composed it
I know you will
where did i get the INSPIRATION from

I Riz

author comment

I see your point about questions marks.
Their slanted figures could be utterly annoying.
Imagine world where only dots, dots, dots
and no questions asked
and maybe even no strings attached!
It's definitely better for avoiding,
postponing, hiding and all kind of other stuff.
Good night.
PS
You better like my poem
Or I will use my question mark.

IRiz

let's shun
No question

GOOD NIGHT
friend Irene
you are like a daughter of poetry
or Poets Tree

says Lovedly!!!!!.....x?X

author comment

Hugs.

IRiz

A new day is born
plants have newer leaves
spring had sprung
now will bring seeds

and apples and oranges and watermelons and pineapples ,yes pears

plenty of bananas

all just nature's free
but man will en-cash it all do see

so behind your houses
in the lawns plant guava trees
be happy its a sweet drink
and also for the mind
a nourishing ink

be happy
that's all one can say today
it's the last day of May

author comment

it is almost the last day of may, good morning

IRiz

pyjamas....
This was your poem
did you read my version

yes it's morning at noonish
I wanted to post it
they showed me
BLUE EYES

YOU WANT MORE

Guess who said that !!!
haa lol

author comment

We ask the all of our soldiers during war then toss them aside when they are used up. Your poem reveals this much better........stan

How happy I am
you can never understand
as you walk across my page
with your brains in your hands
as only you do
loved/ly
understand
since many dawns lapsed

glad you are soonerly back
and back on laps...
not Susan's man
but desk tops

how happy I am
stan!

author comment
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