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Do you walk half-asleep through fortified daydreams like I do?
Glancing around for those momentary pleasures
like feed in a pigsty
like coins at the feet of beggars
like arms amongst the lonely.

They promised magnificence
a contented malevolence
screamed it through flickering screens the ever-growing tvs
that brought half the hell of us up.
And how can you take any of this anymore?
How the hell can I?

Dogs chase bones, half-chewed and drying,
turned thin by the midday sun
that sets each night over the hazy-brown half-breaths
spewing from factories mouths.
This planet is dying
its bones creak with the arthritic moan
of boomers atop of unequal thrones
don’t claim a misplaced vilification,
I need someone I can blame for this.

Now there’s a horror in the breeze
the forests we thought we’d tamed
the smile that’s worn above the skin


Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
Last few words: 
I always worried that my poetry was thematically heavy to the point of becoming excessive. But I believe poetry as an art form is the greatest when it is unflinchingly honest. This piece feels honest to me, perhaps the grievances within are slightly naive but if they are so then they are merely a reflection of my own naivety which would feel disingenuous of me to try and cover up. I do believe, however, that I am not alone in these sentiments of disenfranchisement and disillusionment in my generation, and I hope one day to develop a poetic voice which can most accurately acknowledge some part of this. Thanks for reading, Nick.
Editing stage: 


I've got to tweak it a little, the intention of the stanza blaming older generations was meant to come across as a recognition of the fallacy underlying any simple vilification as a response to complex social problems but also a recognition of a comfort in that simplicity and a reluctance to let go of it. Really appreciate the feedback, it means a lot and helps keep me writing so thanks for giving it a read.


author comment

You are certainly not alone in your thoughts, and believe me, we all seek to develop an individual poetic voice- most of us will fall short, but so what? Poetic genius is as rare as musical or math genius. All we can do is do what we do in poetry, and truly nothing happens without honesty.

I think your poem tries to do too much. It is filled with excellent imagery and some nice sounding inner music. The flow is broken by overstatement of fact or question. That the "bones creak with the arthritic moans" tells us the planet is dying. The questions you ask break the poetic mood. Or in a statement like "I need someone I can blame for this." Well history has blamed the Jews or the Protestants or the witches...whereas we are all to blame.

There are some excellent passages in the poem too. such as the final:

Now there’s a horror in the breeze
the forests we thought we’d tamed
the smile that’s worn above the skin


I think the whole poem needs to focus, as this, and take on less of the entire human condition. You obviously have the tools. Poetry is a most difficult task!


I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

As always, the feedback is much appreciated. All your points are extremely valid and I'll take it all into consideration as I rework this one over the coming weeks. I have to tweak the stanza regarding blame as it was meant to convey self-recognition of the points you've brought up. Sort of, I know such a blame is groundless but there's an undeniable comfort in that type of reduction and therefore a hesitancy to let it go. Not sure how I'll get that across. I've started writing poems as a response to distinct things (news reports, life events etc.) so hopefully that will help getting my work a little more grounded. Thank you for the advice, it's what makes this community really great to be a part of.


author comment

I can feel the intensity, and power of this. It feels to flow out in raw emotion.
If it was more homogeneous with a smother connection between parts it could be far better dressed. It kind of jumps from one reference in the collective memory to another.

I particularly liked the last line "the smile that’s worn above the skin"
for its numerous implications.


The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

I'm going to rework it over the next few weeks, see if I can't get it flowing a little more. Thank you for the feedback, much appreciated.


author comment

Why not say it all at once and honestly?
Blame the guilty and I would not be above some bloody vengeance against the destroyers. Fuck justice, the destroyers never get it.

You know who to blame, don't you? The top place amongst the enemies of humanity, religion, has been taken by corporations. Make CEOs, Boards of Directors, even shareholders criminally accountable for crimes against people and the planet.

"Do you walk half-asleep through fortified daydreams like I do?
Glancing around for those momentary pleasures"
Yes, I do, and why shouldn't I? When those fortifications fail and the momentary pleasures pass there is plenty of grim work to be done.

Do you write lyrics? I think you could do some good things with a louder voice.

If poetry doesn't change anything it isn't anything.

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