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A Sled Hill

I can’t figure out why I never got bored
Taking the same exact runs
Down our little backyard hill that Christmas Day
Maybe it was the rush
Of brisk air on my cheeks
Or the swiftness of falling recklessly
But with control
For the first time in my tiny life
Maybe it was knowing
The breath I could see was real
Finally I could let it be
Snug and warm in my proud new snowsuit
Holding on to my siblings
Laughing like I always imagined kids might
Somehow we knew that day
The twisted branches and woods
Had carved a safe border around us
And we knew
Without saying a word
As we sled and the daylight grew dimmer
That we needed to race up the icy hill
To get a few more runs in
The poem we couldn’t write then
Would soon turn back to a dream inside us
Waiting to be written down

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
I was going to post this in the Christmas contest but I guess its too long.
Editing stage: 

Comments

nice theme, nicely done. really captures the innocence of that time and frame of mind. Great images. Frame it, sell it to the highest bidder! LOL...

I have two small things...the title of the poem...doesn't do justice to such a perfect work for me.
and.... maybe not to use those 3 commas

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Thanks. I took out those commas, and shortened the title. I still don't like it, but it was kind of last minute. Have a great holiday Eumolpus!
Captain

author comment

Captain
after a long time
have you been at sea.

Please try and split the lovely poetry
in paras if
you please

thank you! yes, I will work on that. I think your correct.

author comment

maybe that you might just leave it as one long work, rather than split it up into quatrains, if you like it that way. Yes, it would be more pleasing to the eye for some, but I don't think that it is a big deal. If there is anything that I have learned from being here at Neo, it is that there are no hard and fast rules for writing poetry. And it is up to the judge of this month's contest, to decide if they are willing to let it pass for a few lines too many! Enter it and see what happens! ~ Geezer.
.

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thanks for commenting! I think ill fix this one up a bit. Lovedly is probably correct. Sometimes I think I only screw things up worse when I go back and try to make a poem more orderly.

author comment

that going over the line limit by a few lines will make much difference but then I'm not the judge. (Thank goodness because a Lot of good poetry has been entered this month). This poem took me back to Memphis when I was a small child and all the hills seemed taller and steeper than they do now. Only really awkward line here is "as we sled and the daylight grew dimmer"......."sled" is technically correct but somehow doesn't seem quite right........stan

sorry for the late reply. I don't get on here much anymore. I appreciate your comment -I see that "sled" should be changed. Its nice to have fresh eyes on your words!

Happy new year!
Captain

author comment

all here speak off their own mind's vision
My Dec poem perhaps was not even read by the judge
sheer waste of participation
the December event
in my view may be
don't take competitions seriously
only one eye sees it
depends on his ///her vision

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