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silver sands

I cried a flood of fragile, perfect rainbows
that washed through childhoods’ simple, silver sands
so grains of unformed innocent not-knows
were scarred with dull, unlovely coloured bands

I wept for past naivety, now stained
with mortal ken - apocalyptic knowledge
that I’d forever be bereavement-maimed
my silver sands were gone; destroyed - my courage

but time performed its purpose, played its part
the ugly, painful spectrums blended, drifted
within the metronome’s eternal heart
enriched, as through its healing hands they sifted

embossed and glossed I understand a truth
we need not mourn the silver sands of youth

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

Lost youth is to be remembered but we mustn't let it crowd out the present. Good to see you back posting again and I enjoyed this one........stan

for the lovely comment. lol – i’m glad my muses have partway returned, i’m still finding them a tad hard to hear, but at least i’m enjoying reading and critiquing again...
it’s good to be back

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

and just the perfect theme (imo)
Some feminine rhymes I can point out easily ( I assume you're aware of), but they don't affect neither the message nor the beauty of the piece.

I especially loved the second stanza and the couplet are both true and memorable.

However one line I don't much like, stanza 1 line 3. I felt like a bit forced but it could be only me.

Thanks for sharing your glttering words. So precious. I've bookmarked.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

do you not like feminine lines? i use them regularly, and on purpose. i find they are really useful if i want the reader to pause a tad at that particular spot...

i agree with you about that third verse in the first stanza – i didn’t really like it either –
i originally had ‘innocent’ – but the stress then is INN-o-cent...
... know what – never mind, i am going to change it back, because i prefer it and it softens the line... ‘guileless’ is such a harsh-sounding word

i also didn’t really like the last verse of the second stanza – so i’ve changed that too – would love your opinion of them....
thanks again
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

I struggled with this one a little in the flow.
The description of the silver sands and the rainbows were beaut.
The lost childhood and wandering days, then Rula talks of a sonnet.
To me for some reason a sonnet is a dreamy thing with set lines of 14, where a bad word would feel out of place.
But I am willing to learn as I don't think I have ever written a Sonnet before.
It is late here as usual and cold as Winter is holding us closer to its heart, with the temp going into the minus's.
Not sure what to say maybe I am tired and need some new thoughts or word.
Go well young Lady, just let me know of any changes you make,
Yours as always Ian

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

i wouldn’t count this as one of my better writes – i’m still struggling to hear my muses... i’m really just glad to be enjoying poetry again...

lol – sonnets – they originally were usually love poetry... so yes, then they’d have to be gentle....
Shakespeare was probably the only poet of the Elizabethan age that wrote sonnets out of that theme.... Wesley may correct me here – so don’t take that as gospel

i think, perhaps these days – lol (again, wesley may disagree – i don’t know) a sonnet can really be on any subject - so gentleness (usualy expected with iambic pentameter) can possibly go out the window

the format is the most important thing... the shakespearian format consists of two quatrains developing a theme, a third quatrain containing a volta, and a couplet summing up the thought... all written in iambic pentameter...

i have made a couple of changes – would appreciate your thoughts

lol - you're going to freeze whilst we roast.....
thanks for the visit and comments
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

What ever the changes are to this piece I shall not look, as you have now made this a beaut piece and it reads well.
Great, Great, Great.
It gets six stars from me, Yours as always Ian xxx

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I wouldn't dream of changing a thing about this poem
That first line is a real invitation to read the rest and that is one of the first keys in writing whether it be poetry or a novel
what an opener brava my friend

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

for the very supportive comment
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

Reading through i could sense the internal struggles of youth before transitioning into the phase of reconciliation ...of course the choice of words and structuring of the poem are once again a lesson for an amateur like me...

much love n hugs...

raj (sublime_ocean)

you say such lovely things about my writes
but you are no amateur... a wordsmith in your own right you are :)
thank you
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

such a small alphabet.
Excellent piece.
Some of the meter troubled me, but nothing serious. Rula and I are preparing a workshop on the Sonnet to be held in the Shark Pool, so we are understandably gearing for classical perfection.
I believe the sonnet may be of any subject. Petrarch did not create the form (that would be Giacomo Da Lentini), but he was its greatest advocate. His earliest sonnets were political in nature. Elizabethan sonnets (like yours) were all the rage in 17th century London. Everybody wrote them about everything.
Spenserian sonnets were usually fantasy with love and a lot of loss.
The Occitan and Urdu both were usually about the love of Nationalism.
So the only limits are this: a sonnet is a poem written in a strict style. A specific meter, a specific rhyme scheme, the use of a Volta to change the poem's direction. Any deviation from this form does not make a bad poem, but it is something other than a sonnet.
I hope you can find the time to join Rula and I in our struggle to write the perfect sonnet. We won't start for a month probably. No hurry to decide, We aren't expecting much participation (how many want to swim with the sharks), so it should be very intimate.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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For the kind words....
would like to know where the meter troubled you... i'm a stickler for correctness in sonnets (lol - just ask rula)

and yes - i would love to join the two of you in a workshop of the same...but it'll really depend how my muses are behaving as to whether i'll keep up with class ... i think they are only around reluctantly...and only a couple of them at that.... and anything they have to say to me (which is very litte) is whispered...

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

Rula and I have been putting on the Shark Pool concerning the Sonnet, so I am more than picky right now.
Line one is catalectic. It has an extra half foot at the end. A strict sonnet is iambic pentameter and not catalectic.
When we run the workshop the primary focus will be on classical form. Like I said... I don't expect much participation. Very intimate. Two types of sonnets. I have loner muses if you need one or two.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

What you call 'catalectic' i call a feminine line -seemingly perfectly legal in Shakespearian sonnets as he used tbem frequently...
love judy
xx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

is a foot missing one half. Of course it's acceptable. Petrarch, Bill, Spenser... blah, blah... they all abused the form for a specific rhythm.
I however, have been doing research on my sonnet workshop which I will hold in the Shark Pool. My sonnets of late have been strict followers of classical form. Every little period (end stop), so seeing a sonnet that didn't conform to my present Nazi attitude was difficult.
I'll get over it when the workshop is finished. You're still welcome to join, but we will be writing strictly classical sonnets... all the rules.
I don't expect a large turnout.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

thanks for the read and thoughts
although i agree that part of who i am is what i've learned from my mistakes....i still would love to go back and change a few things :)
love judd
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment
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