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Silent Lovers (sept contest)

Submitted by gregwa8 on Sun, 2018-09-16 23:38

I lost you
because my voice
was
silent,

And now that I
have found
my voice
again,

you’re not around
to hear me
sing
and sing
and sing and sing.

Oh what a
tragic,
what a tragic,
common thing.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
with regards to Eumolpus for seeing the poem within the poem. Good suggestions!
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
September contest

Comments

Eumolpus

Mon, 2018-09-17 13:35

Eumolpus's picture

to a bit of a choppy poem. My take, forget Paul, definitely forget Novocaine, and the parenthesis don't work. This to me says it all , and says it amazingly well.

I lost you
because my voice
was
silent,

And now that I
have found
my voice
again,

you’re not around
to hear me
sing
and sing
and sing and sing.

Oh what a
tragic,
what a tragic,
common thing.

,,

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

gregwa8

Wed, 2018-09-19 23:31

gregwa8's picture

I think you distilled the poem nicely. And I like the simplicity. I'm struggling to decide whether to revise it or not. One way or another, thanks for your feedback, Eumolpus.

author comment

raj

Mon, 2018-09-17 14:16

nice poem....i think the changes proposed by Eumolpus will lift your poem...
.......................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

gregwa8

Wed, 2018-09-19 23:31

gregwa8's picture

thanks raj

author comment

Eumolpus

Sun, 2018-09-23 12:18

Eumolpus's picture

and see a very very fine poem- as Pound to Eliot is in the "Wasteland" this is your poem and I just a friend who suggested as an editor might. Thanks for the opportunity.
Do you know the poetry of Mark Strand? I think you have a lot in common. A good thing.

..

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

gregwa8

Sun, 2018-09-30 15:51

gregwa8's picture

Thank you, Eumolpus. I love what I've read of Mark Strand's poetry. I will be getting one of his poetry books off of Amazon, soon.

author comment
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