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The Sick Child (after Randall Jarrell)

Submitted by fink555 on Tue, 2017-04-18 15:58

The mystic moon, blushing,
unfurls as a flower; a pinch

of green light fills the room.

Blue wicks cinched in dilated flame;
a weak cough is heard. Small eyes

open on

the deranged maroon rays, he blinks
in diced cataracts, prism hues bent

in a drooling Christmas filigree;
a blur fever, the truck moves in candy

colors, and he is hushed, quiet
in doldrum processions

of black and gold.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Rula

Tue, 2017-04-18 16:55

Rula's picture
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unfortunately, I am not aware of Randall Jarrell. If I have known him, I would absolutely appreciate the piece.
Anyway thanks for sharing and sorry if I couldn't relate much to your words.
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Eumolpus

Tue, 2017-04-18 19:14

Eumolpus's picture

The language is elevated and you have painted nice images. The motion or pace of the poem is good. Everything is right, except I do not understand the poem, and I want to.
There are alot of colors going on, a toy truck, a sick child, the moonlight...I just don't feel their connections, especially the black and gold.. is it the truck, the doldrums.?..
Like a Vermeer painitng, we can make our own assumptions of the story. I need more more clues.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

fink555

Tue, 2017-04-18 22:04

fink555's picture

reading the original piece--lots of great poetry depends upon imitation. Like the Red Wheelbarrow!

author comment

themoonman

Wed, 2017-04-19 10:50

themoonman's picture
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I really like this poem and don't
know if I yet understand it but if
he can think of it, it isn't what he
wants ???

thank you by the way, enjoyed
my morning reading Jarrell and
ended up on Rimbaud.

Richard

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