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She Dreams

Winter dresses Prague’s domestic park with
whiteness, but she wanted more than laying
snow -now hand in hand with man suspired for-
not this white when life has dreams of color.

Many times she heard how love had spoken
false, deceitful words or changed with changing,
could not bear a heavy load, like brittle
stone; but she's now next to him, now trusting.

Editing stage: 

Comments

Looks like trochee pentameter.
Sweet.

IRiz

Yes, that is the meaning. But I am not happy with the feel of it. I think I was too busy with the meter and did not give it enough attention to the flow, especially the last line of each stanza feels off to me.
"sweet', what a sweet comment

T

The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

author comment

This is Jess workshop. But I have to tell you that better flow of your poem could be achieved if you let the meter go irregular once. But then repeat the same deviation in the following stanza. You actually did that I think subconsciously. Let me try to repost your poem slightly differently and see if that is the case.

IRiz

Winter dresses /
Prague’s domestic park with whiteness,/
but she wanted more than laying snow /
-now hand in hand with man suspired /
TAta TAta TAta dreams of color./

Many times ta
TAta TAta how love had spoken
false, deceitful words or changed with changing,
could not bear a heavy load, like brittle stone;
but she's now next to him, now trusting.

I think that the important part for better flow is to make sure that you break your line in the place where it is needed by the content.

IRiz

Hi IRiz, when writing free verse I do use line breaks for the purpose of cadence and flow, but here I'm trying to stay within perimeters, as an exercise, as well, in doing so. I took some of your suggestion and worked on it. Could you tell me if it flows better or not.

.Winter dresses Prague’s domestic park with
whiteness, but she wanted more than laying
snow, now hand in hand with man suspired for-
wanted more, her life now dreams of color.
.
Many times she heard how love had spoken
false, deceitful words or changed with changing,
could not bear a heavy load, just brittle.
But now she’s by him, and gives her trusting.

Winter dresses Prague’s domestic park with

T

The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

author comment

Let's wait for Weirdelf, he is the expert.

IRiz

I know, but he will check the meter, and I tried to remain true to it.
I ask something different from meter, your view of which of the two flows better. I tried cadence, punctuation, and repetition of words to feel a better flow in my head. But I am too subjectively involved at the moment, and would like to hear your view.

T

The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

author comment

I am not sure about the last line, it looks like it is incomplete. I have take a break to have more distant view on your poem. I will read it again in a day or two. It sounds a bit too complex, too heavy to my taste. But the topic is very appealing, sleep on it, give it another try. Forget the exercise and see if you want to give it another meter. Perhaps? It sounds to drastic of a suggestion.

IRiz

think hard and you end-up with a nightmare.

get back to me if you so desire.

eph x

Valene, you have a good point there, I will step back and reappraise my efforts. I did kind of rush this. trying to mold the stone against its natural properties.

T

The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

author comment

Winter/ dresses/ Prague’s do/mestic/ park with
whiteness/, but she/ wanted/ more than/ laying
snow -now/ hand in/ hand with/ man sus/pired for-
not this/ white when/ life has/ dreams of/ color.

Many/ times she/ heard how/ love had/ spoken
false, de/ceitful/ words or/ changed with/ changing,
could not/ bear a/ heavy/ load, like/ brittle
stone; bu/t she's now/ next to/ him, now/ trusting.

FMD! Perfect Trochaic Pentameter throughout. And especially impressive is your use of the meter in polysyllabic words.

I've never suggested that anyone use perfect meter all the time. No-one ever does. The point of the workshop is to learn the sound and feel of each of the four major meters.

Whatever the foot count, which is best reasonably consistent, if one can compose in mostly Iambic with a little Anapaest and Catalexis or mostly Trochaic with a little Dactylic and Catalexis it gives the poem a cohesive harmonic that can not be achieved any other way.

I'm linking this one to the workshop thread.

cheers,
Jess
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