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Servitude to pride

Our love, that once like an inferno burnt,
now like an ember smolders.
And it has become beyond rekindle by pride.
Our hearts by pride wreathed,
in loneliness we writhe and helplessly
watch our mirths into myth retract.

Without, serenity we feigned .
But within, by shadow of pride
Shrouded, for each other we groped,
and to the dirge of our fissured
hearts it spitefully danced.

For faded memories of you I caroused,
yet for your caress every night I yearned
Photographs of you and I, my roses to you, as a
sedative into the mire you threw.
But, how come out of your heart you could
not throw me?

The trees of conceit, it is palpable,
a fertile soil in our psyches had found.
And under the arbour of their leafy boughs,
etiolated our hearts berth and for sunlight seek.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

Wow, these lines mesmerize me:

Our hearts by pride wreathed,
in loneliness we writhe and helplessly
watch our mirths into myth retract.

I am feeling severe jealously that I didn't write them! I know many people can relate to this poem, but those lines especially make this poem personal and refreshing to read.

If I could make a suggestion, I think the line "And beyond rekindle by pride it has become." needs some work. I am not totally sure what you mean, but I think you mean that pride has made the embers of your love so weak that they cannot be rekindled. Is that what you meant? If so, consider rephrasing a little.

I had to look up "etiolated". Excellent word choice!

Kelsey

Advocates Coordinator

Critique, don't comment. Neopoet is a workshop and is designed to share your poetry, receive and make critique of the work posted, and most importantly, for you to evolve as a poet.

www.kelsey-burroughs.weebly.com

Yes swamp-Witch that's exactly what I meant.
I will look into it.And thanks so much for the awesome review, I appreciate.

author comment

I was not fond of your previous work "Free me again " but this one shows the wordcrafting skills and poetic spirit that first attracted me to your work.

A few minor crits. You use the word 'hearts' five times, and the word 'pride' five times, repetition can be effective but perhaps find some alternatives here?

I suggest that the although it is about both your pride the title may be more effective as "Servitude to pride".

The line Kelsey had a problem with
And beyond rekindle by pride it has become.
could simply become
And it has become beyond rekindled by pride.

This is a poem of honesty, power and beauty and I ask your permission to post it to Neopoet.com on Facebook.

https://soundcloud.com/neopoet/servitudes-to-pride-by-marvel-godwyn

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

Thank you so much Jess for your critique I so much appreciate it.And I will look for a way to amend the flaws as regards to over used words.And you have the permission to post it Jess.And thanks once again.

author comment

Hello Jess, I noticed you stumbled on
First line of second verse On the word "Feign"
Fourth line of second verse on the word "Melody"
Fourth line of fourth verse on the word "Sunshine"

author comment

You stumbled on the word "feign" because it is supposed to be in the past tense.
Though I have made correction on the fourth line of second verse on the word "melody" but I doubt if I really know why you stumbled and same thing applies to fourth line of fourth verse.Thank you Jess.

author comment
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