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Serenity

Being far from life,
a heartbeat is stilled
the mortal shell is shed
as the spirit ascends.

In the absence of pain,
it's a child with the wind
formless to the world
rose bud opening

Looking at freedom
is warmth on skin
invisible scream
and hope born anew

For after the touch of death
in the binding silence
it finds itself engulfed
in serenity.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
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Is the internal logic consistent?
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Comments

Just a touch on the Spirits journey here, it is so good to hear of others views of the after times, each of us have our own beliefs and many in these days just believe in an end to all things.
The later I think if their belief was true would lead a much better life.
Take care and our help goes out to you in your daily caring.
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

You are one of the gentle souls here who keeps me going. We may differ in our beliefs but that don't spoil our friendship and for that I am grateful. In fact, the way I see it, they add our variety in life as we continue to enjoy each other's company, sharing our wiews and our art. Thank you my friend.

Alid

author comment

This is quite beautiful, I am honoured if I inspired you in some small way, keep working your really starting to make inroads in your writing :)

Kudos

Love and hugs Jayne x

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

I try my best. Its like a constant bumpy road for me but with people like you, Raj, Stan, Ian and many others here, how could I not be inspired to continue writing? So thank you.

Alid

author comment

you perhaps could give a passing reference
of my standing
like an opposing wall
tall

yet when it comes to pay
obeisance
in front of the mighty
one needs to fall
and
you are becoming much tall
so you must outsmart us all

Ian too he is the sweetest kindest person
ever one knew

today whilst I was reading my poetry
passed years away
I found only Ian had his hand around

we shook it till this day
he has held my hand all the years past away

I stand dwarfed besides him
do tell him

Sparrow here, are you trying to give Ian a complex with these adoring words, he is just there, as many more should be, but, I have for him been writing the last few days, just check and you will see the difference between him and me,
Yours Sparrow

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

u read it
wow

I read all the comments and the poetry that is streamed here on site.
I read fast and if the theme doesn't touch me then I pay more attention to the words that are there.
This is why I become cross with those that only stream their poetry.
There are plenty of places on this net where they can stream their poetry, it is here that they receive constructive critique, I thank you Loved for your presence here it is calming to a few.
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Just did a quick read and my first impression is that this might be the best of yours I've read. I'll return later and try to find some nits ti pick lol.......stan

I'm very pleased that you like it, Stan. I'l be waiting for your suggestions. Thank you.

Alid

author comment

I believe that we, artists, are all special in our own way and the only thing we have to do is to purify our art all the time. I don't think that it's good to change ''that something special'' much, like taking other people's opinions since we are all different it can often ruin the poem. But don't get me wrong because I really like advices, but only if they help you to find yourself a bit more, to see yourself more clearly.

The thing I noticed right away are ''.....'' , try not to use them, because when you do we except more words similar and we almost forget the last word in the line. If you avoid points the last word has a real meaning.

''At the end of a lifetime'' looks like the very beginning of a novel, I would use the word life here, lifetime is too determined word, try to use bigger words and abstract, you know life can mean so many things and it will give a poem so many varieties.The first thing I see when I read this is someone old and ready to die. what do you think about ''being far from life'' that's more like a specific feeling, and people who read it often connect with these lines mostly. So the first stanza would be like this:

Being far from life
a heartbeat is stilled
the mortal shell is shed
as the spirit ascends

last three verses are just great

In the absence of pain
it's a child with the wind
formless to the world
rose bud opening

''formless to the world''-it's just great
''dance with the wind'' is too strong for serenity I thing
and already used too many times
something like child, pure, innocent, fits more
but that's only my opinion

''unseen by the living'' well it's not that unseen actually, people want peace, freedom and all those things after we die for a whole life and it's absurd but it's like that. ''rose bud opening'' is distant and beautiful just what you need here so I thought that you might like it.

''Celebrating its freedom
on the stairway of stars,
it embraces true joy'' alid this is too direct you can always tell it in a better way
Just tell for how many times in life you have heard ''stairway of stars'' ''stairway to heaven''

Looking at freedom
is warmth on skin
invisible scream
and hope born anew

This is step by step, slowly, the way I like it, don't know about you, it's just a suggestion.

For after the touch of death
in the binding silence
it finds itself engulfed
in serenity

I wouldn't like to change anything here, it's already very strong.

And yes I forgot to say that I like this, there's a strong circle and very deep.
I would be happy if I helped you a bit :)

Emina
Maybe it's better to stay completely within
as fire hides in metal
as water hides in rock.
Rumi

you have my thanks. This is a case in which I don't know how to make my poem better even though I wanted to.
Thanks for taking the time to visit and helping me out. Appreciate it very much.

Alid

author comment

...of yours I have read.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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and the feedback, Sir. I appreciate it very much.

Alid

author comment
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