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The Sentinel Sun.

Submitted by vandiemenspeak on Mon, 2017-05-08 10:20

The Sun's one silver eternal eye,
breaches the trees tall,
ghost gums, interloper poplars
eye on the sins
of all

It can't pierce to here though,
with it's angry sheets of fire
whitening concrete
and stripping naked fences
perishing in light

Through decades of dawns and dusks
it falls through trees, after girding
the east, and riding the dark brood
of mountain, hood shrouded hiding
in it's silver trails

They miss this, the joggers
panting in their unequivocal gait
all thighs, their eyes -
in congress only with the ground

trudging ever forward to the altar
of the gym, the shrine of the one,
alien to here, where all is bright,
bluster fire and wind

And of that wind, tapering down through
the moss ancient walls to whispers
sibilant, insinuating that I move on,
on to other sins.

Style / type:

Free verse

Review Request (Intensity):

I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Last few words:

Observations in a parallel park.

Editing stage:

Editing - draft

Comments

Eumolpus

Mon, 2017-05-08 20:33

2 poems

And of that wind, tapering down through
the moss ancient walls to whispers
sibilant, insinuating that I move on,
on to other sins.

Man, that's the good stuff! reads like candy for the mind. besides using "insinuating" and then "sins." "Too good", as they say!
As I read the experience of this poem, I am immediately drawn to the sun, subject of millions of poems, in a new and fresh way. (My only pause is with "ghost gums". I'm in the process of dental implants now, gums are a very real subject around here) advise what you mean..
Then the poem becomes a like second part, about the joggers. I think you need to somehow
get the joggers in there earlier, then you can come back to them in the wonderfully constructed stanzas. It is too much a jolt after the painting of the sun so nicely for 2 stanzas, to go that suddenly into the joggers. Maybe you can use the sun is itself also runner, a jogger...
The only other pause I get is with "bluster fire and wind". yes works phonetically but I can't set the image.
Hope I'm helpful, obviously, this is first rate stuff!

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

vandiemenspeak

Tue, 2017-05-09 06:27

Ghost gums are indigenous...

But the poplars were a colonial implant, an interloper. I have to wander around the yard reading out loud to find the piece that fits into "bluster with fire and wind" - which is one of my little "placeholders" I will update this some time soon, watch this space, many thanks for your useful comments Eumo (I'm going to refer to you in the Aussie vernacular - by adding an 'o' to the end of evything, because it's just so much easier to sign off with- refer: Johno', Steveo' Rodrigo ;) )

Ghost gums are really quite starkly beautiful, grow to impressive size, and are dazzling in the sun:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Corymbia_aparrerinja

Thanks

Chris.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

author comment

Roscoe Lane

Tue, 2017-05-09 02:06

Excellent,

Excellent work, love it. Regards Roscoe....

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

vandiemenspeak

Tue, 2017-05-09 06:31

Thanks Roscoe..

Glad you enjoyed, starting to contribute a bit more regularly after a bit of a lull.

Cheers,

Chris.

PS is that a German Shepherd, and if so is he/she yours? S/he is a beauty, we have a jet black border collie cross cattle dog called Dexter - best friend in the world.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

author comment

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The Sentinel Sun.