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Seeing Truth

We are flawed
when we allow our greed
for gold and money,
to deny others in need.

Our wants, an endlessly burning fire,
leading us into discontentment,
for we will never tire
of wishing beyond what was given.

If we fail to treasure
and value what we have in our hands,
we'll regret for sure
when we lose them in the end.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

people expect you to always be good.
This one really doesn't offer much in the way of structure or content.
Sorry.
How about expanding the notion? Perhaps working from a premise you might or might not agree with, like-
The existence of money demands the co-existence of greed.
or
Property is theft.
or
Human greed is an unnatural aberration.

Something you can sink your teeth into and explore, both stylistically and ideologically.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

I AM thinking of expanding this, just need to pen it down first so that I won't forget. Its been sticking in my head for some reason. Sometimes it gets busy here and ideas just got lost. I wanna see if I can work this out. Maybe ask Stan for advice later.

Alid

author comment

I hate giving critique after Jess. I think he has really gotten this right. You need to expand this idea in order to make it a statement that hasn't been made before. I think that this is a truth that many people come to realize sooner or later and some not at all; but poverty is not a requisite to and for goodness. Nice start to something that could be expanded and made into a real poem. ~ Gee

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I know this need expanding.Like I said to Jess,its one of those things which is bothering me and won't go away but on the other hand I need to figure out how to make it grow or just get rid of it.Give me some time.

Alid

author comment

I see this as a sample of where poetry might be headed ....a blend of classic rhyme and free verse. But in my opinion in order to blend well you might need to expand this...........stan

about that part.I might need your help about the expanding it. I'll message you some of my ideas for this later for discussion.

Alid

author comment

I can do it within a few days with some help.If not,Ill have to cast this out and replace with another. We'll see how this goes or not.

Alid

author comment

What help do you need?

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

what do you think about the new edit? This is still far from complete but I'm doing it bit by bit.

Alid

author comment

What do you think about the new edits? I want to attack the feeling of greed which in the end made one feel unhappy because he never feels he has enough.

Alid

author comment

they add a lot.

Now think about the word 'radical'. It doesn't mean extremism, as it is popularly used. It means going to the root or origin; fundamental.

Think about where 'greed' comes from. It is not a precept of human nature. Nor is power for most, power is desired only by a few.
Does everyone allow their greed to deny others in need? By no means.
Does everyone never tire of wishing beyond what was given? Again no, many are content.
Who loses their priorities and why?

These are questions that if you explore could lead to far more significant content. Again I will not suggest what to write or in what structure. Just go a little deeper.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

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