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The Search for Innocence
I lost something in those pubic years,
although I would never know what.
It seemed important at the time
and left a hollow deep inside of me.
The years had past me by and by.
I forgot I was even looking.
Yet the dark feeling loomed about
'til obvious punched me in the jaw.
What was lost could never be found.
It died somewhere around age thirteen
behind an imaginary line
that you were never suppose to cross.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Rula
Sat, 2016-01-23 14:32
Hello Scott
this is absolutely an eloquent writing. I believe many can relate to it in a way or another.
I especially like the last stanza.
Last line, last stanza, did you want "were never suppose[d] to cross? or maybe I have missed something.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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eightmenout
Sun, 2016-01-24 16:51
Dearest Rula
Thank you for the kind words and stopping by. I will review the last line but I think I have it the way I want it.
Scott
author commentalidzain
Sun, 2016-01-24 10:17
Scot
I agree with Rula. This is a good one Well done.
Alid
eightmenout
Sun, 2016-01-24 16:51
Alid
Thank you, sir. Appreciate you stopping by.
Scott
author commentalidzain
Mon, 2016-01-25 00:06
Scot
Don't need to be formal, buddy. Just call me "Alid" will do.
Alid
eightmenout
Mon, 2016-01-25 19:16
I live in the South. It's
I live in the South. It's basically a requirement to use ma'am and sir.
Scott
author commentalidzain
Tue, 2016-01-26 03:42
I see...
thanks for the explanation, sir.
Alid
Esker
Tue, 2016-01-26 19:08
crossing the line....
ah....I know
the magnetron that Kurt cobain sang
about
the fire that cash droned about
let go of thy principals
and golden ideals
and see what life
shall steal
and make you want
and a realist
more then the
wicked realist!
excellent poem
thank U
mr wolf!
eightmenout
Thu, 2016-01-28 17:45
Thank you, Sir
wish I had more time. hope to be back soon.
Scott
author comment