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Scars Like Stars To Guide Us
What if these regrets
Were not quicksand
But stepping stones?
The up instead of down
Button in the elevator?
What if this pain
Was not collateral damage,
But the strategy
For my success?
What if these scars
Were the writing on the wall,
That spoke a better word
Than “mene, mene, tekel, parsin”?
What if I was not found lacking
But instead strong?
What if I grew stronger and stronger
Instead of weaker and weaker?
What if these disappointments
Weren’t vampires
But a blood transfusion?
Directions on a treasure map,
Life-giving lessons,
Though the hurt
Is all too real?
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
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Comments
raj
Tue, 2018-06-19 05:24
Hi Greg
please treat this as my attempt to objectively critique your poem....
if the title was just "Scars as Stars" it would have hidden the content better,,,but by adding "to guide us" it becomes like the nutrition label on food packs telling what is inside.....so in my opinion keeping it just as Scars as Stars there would be better buy in
.................................................................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
gregwa8
Wed, 2018-06-20 02:05
thanks for the suggestion,
thanks for the suggestion, raj! "scars as stars" would be a great title.
brittle light
Tue, 2018-06-19 22:57
hey Greg
good concept
you worked it out well
BUT, I would leave out the two stanza : "what if I was not found lacking
but instead strong?"
"what if I grew stronger and stronger
instead of weaker and weaker?"
they don't seem to follow the same conceit as the rest of the stanzas
what do you think?
later man,.
Al
gregwa8
Wed, 2018-06-20 02:05
good suggestions, al. thank
good suggestions, al. thank you.