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A fine gray mist hangs low in the frosted air,
all the way to the ground, as if the grayness
of a frigid sky could reach and slap the earth.

Everyone is wearing winter colors, and their
dark figures blend well with the callous cold;
skeletal trees seem aware of coming frost.

Waiting for public transport, I look up the track,
mist so fine I see clearly to the top of the hill.
Behind me, a family waits to cross the street.

I am still looking when I hear a very loud horn,
it is blaring, loudly blaring. I see a child, frozen
in the street, with a loud monster before him.

He should lay there, all crumpled on the spot,
but fright keeps him standing; such loud noise
churns his insides, such blasting sound waves!

Statured, charmed by the beast, like a fairy tale
bird charmed by a fairytale snake, he only waits
for the sharp, flashing fangs that’s sure to come.

Behind the windshield is an ugly, contorted face
whose eyes are sharply turned toward the mother.
as he continues to hit on the horn, relentlessly.

The mother does not quickly rush out to her child,
but seems stunned, foreign to the present situation,
now drawn from exchanging gossip with her friend.

The driver pulls away, still showing his disapproval.
Pride in his mind for having done a valued service.
in showing up the mother. He drives away smug.

The child is in panic, the mother tries to comfort him;
but the child is too far gone, left too long with danger,
too long to face the ugly face of overwhelming dread..

The mother continues to try, but it does her no good,
the child is too deep in. She becomes angry with him,
shouts of being unreasonable, then pushes him away.

Editing stage: 


"Scared" and "Scarred" both might work for your poem so I wasn't sure of your title intent. The tone I felt from your poem was mostly cold and fear. Overall This rough draft is headed in the right direction but it needs some neatening up. The first two stanzas didn't seem connected to the rest and seemed clearer without them. You might want to reconsider rearranging the last line of the 5th stanza to make it more precise and without the need of an exclamation mark. The 7th stanza, I don't think you intended to make it read as though it's the mother "whose hand continues to hit the horn, relentlessly". The 8th 3 line stanza is an excellent description.
Good luck, you've created a good start.


~ Marthalyn

You have done a nice job with this revision. It shows more clarification and each stanza is well connected. Nicely done, Tyro. Even though the subject is a tragic one, I appreciated reading it.


~ Marthalyn

Thank you Marthalyn for your critique, I still intend to do some changes in the direction you suggest.


The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

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