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Sanity's Madness ( Horror Story Draft )

Sanity’s Madness

Reflections of darkness invade the eye
limitless worlds of pain
walking through minefields of punji sticks
shedding your blood like rain

crying the tears of a thousand souls
killing a thousand more
crawling through jungles of tortured green
your eyes never knew before

Babylon’s bridges are burning fast
napalm is never fair
children of fire are melting now
dying without a prayer

something is turning your heart to stone
feelings are going dead
little remains of the world you knew
rotting inside your head

where is the glory? what is the cause?
why does it feel so wrong?
pot-smoking soldiers parade for peace
singing a Dylan song

medivac chopper disturbs the sky
coming to ease your strife
gangrene is growing within your gut
waiting to take your life

many years later a different war
awakens the ghosts within
comrades and enemies marching past
covered in gore and sin

nothing is sacred, nothing is real,
living within a dream
but waking to nightmare is even worse
and now you begin to scream

C. Lon R. Bruso

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Last few words: 
A re-written piece for the workshop using suggestions from others and a little more soul-searching of my own. Let me know what you all think!
Editing stage: 

Comments

What happened to the first draft?
or am I going silly? I'm sure I've commented on your horror story... didn't I suggest more of the results of war on the psyche?
Have you unpublished that one - this seems similar - but better insofar as it has me feeling your emotions of horror more (I think - it's hard to be sure without being able to compare)

Love (maybe wrong word lol) 'children of fire are melting', and 'crying the tears of a thousand souls/killing a thousand more'....
And the fourth stanza is powerful....

Did you forget to hit the WS button?
great write Lonnie
just one comment re 'story' ... is it one? It's very descriptive, but there doesn't seem to be a 'plot' per se.... might be just me :)

Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Yes, I did unpublish the first one, as I had edited and added to it before Wesley had a chance to critique it. Sorry for the confusion!

author comment

Were I a small child reading this ?

I'd never sleep again, phew second one I've read today
I know I'm not part of the workshop

Just wanted to drop off my admiration

Much love to you both Jayne xox

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

I had made changes to this original draft and then realized I wasn't supposed to do that until all had read it and given their advice. I then unpublished the poem with the changes and replaced it with this, the original. Now I see everyone's poem has at least eight or more comments, and mine has two, one of which is my reply to Judyanne, and the other is one from Serendipity which is not workshop related. Have I done something wrong? Did I piss someone off, or what??? I sure could use some input here!

author comment

That some people who join workshops are just interested in their own works, and don't always give input to all others in the shop...imo, if you're in a shop, then you should contribute a comment to everyone else .... I'm actually getting a little tired of certain people who never comment on my work in workshops (stream's a different matter), and am beginning to contemplate not critiquing them even in workshops

I don't know what's happened here with your write, but I'm assuming it's laziness on the part of others. ... but then again, it could also be that you havent yet hit the WS button....

Sorry, couldn't help making this comment, as I am little miffed with certain people right now (lol - I'll get over it)...
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Hasn't gotten much notice either. I know I am a late entry but it is a little disheartening when you try to write something good and it is barely noticed if not at all.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

I had commented on your original piece, this one here.
I find that this is a great write, though am not sure if the thoughts of one person and the picture it shows that mind is a horror poem.
Not decrying the way this is written in any way, as it is a shock to see what one has to go through, and I have seen first hand the horror that resides in each individual as they try to fathom out the reasons.
The Jungle is a creature to be feared then put man in there to torture man, women and children is even worse and my healing love goes out to those that have to suffer for some asshole in a plush office far away be it Oval or any shape.
The cost to humanity is far too much, I can but ask Why???
Did these sacrifices help anyone, Vietnam, Iraq, Afghanistan, todays modern fields of war, dare I ask why again..
I have written a few pieces on some of these places, but I fail, in that there is no way I could ever mimic the anguish, you and your Brothers feel in words that many will not read.
Take care of yourself young Lonnie, this is a great write,
Yours as always Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

A late entry to the workshop and am just seeing this. I must say this is a very powerful write. My father is a Vietnam veteran and we have had many discussions about his time there. The emotion and visuals in this piece were fantastic. A real life Horror story. Excellent work.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

For their taking time to read, reply, and leave excellent feedback!

author comment

If you go into edit and hit the workshop button, this will show up with the WS poems. This is probably getting lost on stream....
xxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I have put it in my archives. I have shown my friends.
It's likely one of the most concise and emotional pieces I have ever read.

This is much more than mere horror. Someone once said (sorry, don't know who) that poetry is not truth, but it may display it.
I am fifty six years old and will never stand in arms in defense of my nation.
I find that strange. The antithesis of your poem.
Which is the more horrible?
I had a heart attack in Navy basic and couldn't serve. It sickens me to this day. I didn't want to be a warrior. I just wanted to serve.
And yet...

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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I'm no hero, and certainly no great poet. As for serving my country, I did what was expected of me by the mores and ethics of my generation and those before it, nothing more, nothing less. I am flattered that you feel this poem is worthy of such high praise and I sincerely thank you. As for its content, it is what a veteran of any war would probably feel, and write about, if able to do so. Never feel as though you are any less of a worthy individual simply because your circumstances didn't allow you to serve your country militarily. I'm certain that as a man, and as a talented poet, you have done much to help many, myself included! Thank you for your appreciation of my work!

author comment

I agree with Wes - awesome write.
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

This write in all its stages was one that opened the gates of all to participate in the things they made you do or you did willingly, circumstances such as being in a jungle where you are your own destiny, changes people for ever.
My thoughts and admiration go out to you and your band of Brothers for being there.
War in any form mistreats people and puts them on a different level to normal life.
Those that sit in their offices signing lives away should be forced to go fight then war would be no more.
I thank you Warrior for being in that role of life that may bring eternal pain but you were not the cause but part of a solution if ever these things are solved to serve humanity.
Go well Young Lonnie and try with all your being to live as you deserve, in peace and with no regrets.
Yours as always Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

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