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Sadness

I'm between red nebula somewhere in space
and myriad red rain drops here

After I close my eyes I see the same
it's a huge planet without a mask

Touching a ghost with my ghostly hand
one step back, it's fluttering in the distance

Between death and noble gases
where might be nothing

A bursting in antimatter cloud
where truly might be nothing

While their atoms are changing structure
I think the sound is my step's sound

The process is a circle
so don't bother yourself where are you now

Because I went so deep
my sea bottom is still written in tiny handwriting

Anyway, I used to admire her, the supernova
as she gets heavier and heavier

But there is only one way
of taking her back to the start

It's explosion

Editing stage: 

Comments

i like stars....study of its appearance with visual
from hubble and earthbound instruments
and the study of radio astronomy and
study of our inner worlds and below the sea
surface with our investigative "eyes"

side scan sonar....microwave radar
for surface strata and airport scanning
magnetic image resonance

and sometimes the simple are intriquing
in their reflection
like the simple binary of a wind up
musical box....very similar to
10011000111110010001111001010001001
technological language
a kind of touch reflection
signal

we can raise wrecks just intact
from the ocean
and others are broken up
and raised for inspection
for the treasures known
to be within

the mythology
of search
discovery and
recovery

i like the image of pressure
and explosion in your poems
lines

like a compressed file
a crumpled paper

your refrences to atomic structure
is interesting

"tiny handwriting"

as i age my eyes get more declined
of vision

i went shopping for basic items
for the kitchen in a huge walmart
cheap name brand cloth wipes
for a little broom...im old school
and use mops and rags on the floor
get down on my knees and scrub
like my mom taught us..

i went into this huge store and began
my search for brooms...thinking i could
then break it down and find the box
or items i needed........after an hour of
circling like a lost bomber for a target
that is not defined i didnt give up and
ask for help......kept looking beyond just
what i thought i knew....that inner depth
and thought.......on a fourth pass on
the very periphery i found them.....

i was so happy........like finding a comet
from just scanning the open sky
like that elusive target in the maze of
structures that are indiscriminate
on the ground...

poetry writing is similar and my day to
day discussions are like this....i like
the dazzling....i like the science of how
we think of humans....treasure lines
wit and one liners....

and like all science creativity and discovery
it is the treasures of the random sequential
occurence that bring about revelations
of thoughts

people are like supernovaz blazing personas
but deep down emitting a radiation of energy
stronger then light

your poems always inspire me
for thought
when im on the library computers
ive got six windows going at once
opera technical vids
and my interest in radiation
and atomic fluency of theory

density.....inertia....half lives

chain reaction..critical mass..
change through force
be it peaceful or violent
the fulcrum point where
energy equates and
over rides
and sets off the expansive
reaction

transfer point.....

well you have made my saturday
with this poem...

thank you very much....

well Esker what a comment ...I'm glad I made your day perhaps that is the most beautiful I can get from people who read my work. You know, I'm medical student and I've always been kinda obsessed with astronomy and the science just captures my mind even when I write, it comes out from nowhere like a lovely metaphor. I don't know I simply need something different now and lately I've been starting to notice a certain change in my metaphor and when that happens it means progress which is great.. and this poem was driving myself insane for weeks as I always want it simple but deep, strong felling but no pathetics (when I see any kind of art that is pathetic I thing I'm gonna die, i feel sick :D ) I couldn't imagine that anyone would understand this
'your refrences to atomic structure
is interesting

"tiny handwriting"

but I like to give freedom to anyone who reads
just let them understand the way they feel

and thanks Esker ;)

Emina
Maybe it's better to stay completely within
as fire hides in metal
as water hides in rock.
Rumi

author comment

Your poem held me captive as you take the reader through a journey of the universe on your thought wave. To me it emotes your admiration of its enormity, yet also expresses your "Sadness" that it is not the same as you would like it to be, which is why you dream of yet another mighty explosion leading to it's re-birth. I'm not sure if I connected with your poem correctly.

I especially liked the following lines which resonate pretty well

While their atoms are changing structure
I think the sound is my step's sound

The process is a circle
so don't bother yourself where are you now

Because I went so deep
my sea bottom is still written in tiny handwriting

raj (sublime_ocean)

raj you're completely right but it' s more about myself when I speak about re-birth but as I say it's a process inside just like supernova ..it's creepy for me that everything just everything is so connected ..
br and thanks ;)

Emina
Maybe it's better to stay completely within
as fire hides in metal
as water hides in rock.
Rumi

author comment

Thank you Emina for an elaborate response and clarification to my comment

You said "it's creepy for me that everything just everything is so connected" .. to an extent I agree because in a disorderly world the orderly / well connected phenomenon...did I get you right on this?....raj

raj (sublime_ocean)

well..yes
I guess
;)

Emina
Maybe it's better to stay completely within
as fire hides in metal
as water hides in rock.
Rumi

author comment

I agree with what Esker and Raj have said. This poem expresses so much about such an immense thing as our universe and also reveals so much about such a complex thing as what it means to be human (to be curious, to always seek answers and to always strive for more). We're not happy just figuring something out, we want to know more and more and rework and explore beyond our wildest dreams. I think the poem presents this expertly.

I think the parallelism on the lines "Between death and noble gases where might be nothing / A bursting in antimatter cloud where truly might be nothing" works really well.

If I could make one suggestion, it would be to change one of the uses of "red" on the first stanza. I think creating a contrast such as "purple/blue nebula" and "red rain" might work better. As it is, the repetition of red sounds "off". I hope you don't mind me making this suggestion.

Thanks!

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www.lettereddandy.xyz

Hello swamp-witch
I like your suggestion as I always do like suggestions
because very often if not always other people understand you more through your work than you understand yourself (weird but true)
I think I'm gonna change it into "purple/blue nebula" as you say

and thanks you too ;)

Emina
Maybe it's better to stay completely within
as fire hides in metal
as water hides in rock.
Rumi

author comment

Well it seems that you have captured some of the best critics on Neopoet.
Not much else to add except "great", Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

hello Ian my friend well who else wouldn't like to capture some good critics haha
Oh guys thank you so much you gave me wings I'm gonna write more now ;)
and thanks Ian !

Emina
Maybe it's better to stay completely within
as fire hides in metal
as water hides in rock.
Rumi

author comment

Hi Emma! I love the science in this poem and the general ethereal feeling and you have some very good phrases and word choice.

I stumbled a little on stanza's 4,5, and 7 unless I'm reading it wrong - which is just as likely! lol

Did you mean;

Stanza 4

Between death and noble gases
where "there" might be nothing.

Stanza 5

A bursting in antimatter cloud
where "there" truly might be nothing.

( I wonder if stanzas 4 and 5 could be combined into one stanza because the last line in both is more or less the same )

Stanza 6 Did you mean;

The process is a circle
so don't bother yourself where you are now. or;

The process is a circle
so don't bother yourself. Where are you now? or something else?

I think these stanza's need clarifying ( just my inexpert opinion - ignore if you don't agree ).

Other than that your poem is thought provoking and deep.

Keep safe

Love Mand xxxxxx

Hi mand
yes you're right but I don't like the rhyme
where "there"
that's why I've put ''there'' out

and stanza 6 I meant

The process is a circle
so don't bother yourself where you are now

I'm gonna think about this a bit more

and thanks so much ;)

Emina
Maybe it's better to stay completely within
as fire hides in metal
as water hides in rock.
Rumi

author comment

O.k No problem! You are the author and it's your poem! I look forward to reading more of your work - as time permits.

Loads of love

Mand xxxxx

the big bang? [grins]

One thing bugs me slightly, no, largely. The last word. To me the poem seems to be leading toward implosion, a black-hole perhaps.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

thanks weirdelf
implosion well..I don't know..
no, that's not what I wanted
sorry
but I will think a bit more
ooohh no you're right
implosion is exactly what I need here
yeah implosion then!

cheers !

Emina
Maybe it's better to stay completely within
as fire hides in metal
as water hides in rock.
Rumi

author comment

that is where you can edit your poem according to whichever suggestions you agree with.
Neopoet is a big planter pot, it's where we we grow our poetry, though like any gardener, no-one is forcing you to water or fertilise it.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

to me this piece gives me great mind visualing result. the imagination that it offers is powerful and beautiful. Kudos to you, Emina.

Alid

Knowledge is a gift, health is wealth....

I wanted to ask your opinion in my poem entitled "Serenity". Tell me if there's a way I can improve in it.

Alid

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