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the sacred

Submitted by emeka ozurumba on Mon, 2014-04-28 08:17

a gusts flame......an eyes
mated fire,
meted torch; touch endeared
flint torque

heartbeat pugilist
colliding hermitage
from snake covulated
stream silhouette

juniper evergreen
desires....fiery venomous
jaffar nascent
foretaste sun nibbles

bliss brine of the corporeal...nuptial
and the bleeds rose healed

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
on the day of a virgin getting her mortality,not death but otherwise perhaps after marriage night, the lovemaking compared to the rise of sun upon the jaffar at morning early and first rays pierce
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

weirdelf

Thu, 2014-05-15 10:08

weirdelf's picture
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And the poem reads like a list of words.
Be more human in your poetry.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

emeka ozurumba

Fri, 2014-05-16 08:44

emeka ozurumba's picture

your critique best suits the occasion thank you, and I'm learning greatly from your advises, yours Jess

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