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Retrospective in Clay: Epilogue

Edited
Broken pottery,
a bowl held in winter's hands;
eternity paused.

Original

Broken pottery,
a bowl held in winter's hands;
shattered shards of love.

Style / type: 
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I always liked the title used in the three styles.
I especially loved the second line.
I thought you could have come with a more original third line. I felt like the "shattered shards" is a bit clichéd
Other than that, it is a "wow" little gem.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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I'll review and update. Thanks for the notes.

---------------------------------------------------------

Jonathan Moore

Annoying the world, one person at a time

(Group discounts available)

author comment

and find no problem with the third line....
Very descriptive, and I like the use of winter and broken pottery to describe a broken relationship
but haiku is one form that shouldn't use punctuation (to my knowledge)

enjoyed
Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I'm, reviewing the rules of punctuation for Haiku, I'll be honest, it's a form I visit so infrequently that I do not know off hand.

As for the third line, I am uncertain. I've added an edited version with a different approach. I'll let them sit so I can review later and see which one propagates the strongest message.

---------------------------------------------------------

Jonathan Moore

Annoying the world, one person at a time

(Group discounts available)

author comment

Went off for a quick check re punctuation - seems I may have been led astray by someone(s)...
I have quickly gathered that the Japanese do use it, that early English versions used it, recent editors/publishers took a dislike to it, and lately it has come back into vogue somewhat - although the jury seems to still be out over the whole thing....
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Thanks for checking up. My initial reviews did not turn up anything definitive.

---------------------------------------------------------

Jonathan Moore

Annoying the world, one person at a time

(Group discounts available)

author comment

that these sort of discussions among "scholars" indicates that poetry is still very much a living art and changing all the time.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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