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Remembered?

We going thru a thing
To where we're getting labeled
The only hope we bring
Is incarceration then case closed
Who's there for us now?
The company we work for, bowing
To their work ethic just
To maintain effort to hush
The harsh reality speaking to us
Saying
You will never be free
Caged in
By the history that we teach
Slavery, to show our bravery
We breach the boundries of respect
Just to be left with a sex
Known for disloyalty, no love
Known for avoiding peace, no trust
Is this how we should be remembered?

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
This is a poem based on what I've been told personally by a number of people of how they view young males from hard beginnings. I wrote this as a reminder there's a lot to fight for but this isn't how you wnat to be remembered.
Editing stage: 

Comments

An appealing theme, and a good rant- I'll call it for the sake of the youth.
You're right. Sometimes they are not given their justice for all the good
things that they do, but this is because some who give bad examples
but we can never generate.

a typo ...To thier work ethic just....'their'

Liked the internal rhymes in 'hush' and 'harsh' and ' slavery' and 'bravery'

Thanks for sharing. Keep them coming

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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Thank you for your time to read and your comment. I tried to step out of my comfort zone and in a way show how observant I can be, and in a way, motivating. I hope to hear frm you again, and thanks to your comment, I'll continue to look into stepping out of my comfort zone more.

author comment

Rula covered most of it, I would just like to address the language.

I felt like you started the poem in character very well. I was hoping from there to be pulled in but the language reverted back to that of a well educated voice. Try reading some Langston Hughes to get a feel for how he used language to endear his characters

Thanks for posting

Scott

Scott

1st I'd like to say thank you for your time and willingness to comment. When u mention language, what excatly do you mean? I'm still new to this. I just write how I feel and make it rhyme as best I can within a rhythm I have set in my mind. I'm unfamiliar with using a certain language to pull an audience but it is something I'm willing to learn. Again, thank you for your time and appreciation.

author comment

In your last few words, you say the poem is about how young men are viewed that come from hard beginnings. In your first line, you give us a glimpse of how this young man may speak, but then you detour from that into what could be considered a more sophisticated voice.

Langston Hughes was excellent at setting a character at using their spoken language in his work.

Scott

Scott

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