Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
A Relationship
I can't, I can't my soul cries out
And yet somehow I can and do
Because I care for you so much
Oh, if you only knew.
My life, my days and nights trudge by
As in some miserable dream.
The walls close in and people fade.
We aren't what we seem.
Friends and neighbors envy us
For what we have today
But what we lack was ours for free
So long ago and far away.
We started with so little, yet had so very much
To share alone together in a quiet loving time.
Now we have so much, yet have so very little
It's sad to think how life can be so awfully, terribly brittle.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
Sparrow
Sat, 2019-03-16 20:36
Wonder Woods
Your write seemed sad and that you were closing yourself in.
Even though you seem to know that out there I a lovely place. This write depict many people and the way they feel or the place they go sometimes, I have been there but didn't stay.
There is a way out of it, just go and talk to people, complete strangers are good.
Or just watch the children where they play and have no inkling of growing up so they show a state of which we should strive for, where unconditional love is the life blood and trust in others,
Yours as always Ian..
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
Geezer
Mon, 2020-04-13 02:26
The last four lines...
are very good, but seem unrelated to each other in the tempo/rhythm. I think if you rework those lines to rhyme, that it could read something like: We started with so little, yet had so very much
. To share alone together, in a quiet, loving time
. Now I find we get to keep it, and we get to touch
. This is ours, most surely it is yours and mine.
Of course, this is just my take on it and you are the ultimate judge of what you use, so if you choose to use it, or make your own adjustments, that is your decision. Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.