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Purple Fur! (memories stirred by Lonnie)

Submitted by Eduardo Cruz on Sun, 2012-03-11 22:39

I saw a lady in a purple fur
Dancing softly on her head
wondering,
Am I alive or am I dead

The thought occurred to me,
That maybe it was in my mind
How could I see with closed eyes
Because when I slept I was blind

I attempted to become awake
To my chagrin I could not rises
It felt as if I were in a wake
Hearing words that were truly lies

Is dead, dead,
Or am I dreaming I’m asleep
With time not marking
How long will I count sheep

Who can answer my query
when I’m speechless in fears grip
Is this my end
Maybe its just a drug induced trip

Style / type:

Structured: Western

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Last few words:

Lonnie, this write came to me after I read "veteran" I had been between life and death. The drugs they gave me made me see the funniest things.

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Comments

weirdelf

Wed, 2012-03-28 06:42

Too personal

I say over and over again, write for your reader or leave it in your drawer.

With a small re-write you could include your reader.

Don't get me wrong, this is well written. But what does it mean to your reader?

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Eduardo Cruz

Wed, 2012-03-28 16:27

you knowing of me would understand that this is about life and death. hanging on a thin thread and all that's kept the pain at bay, was the drugs given.
it's a war story that lonnie stir in my head. I try not ever to think about those things, I think I discussed with you once on Sypke, yes?
this is not for the reader really, it's about me. you are right most readers in general will not get this, but another warrior will see the picture. thanks your opinions is always appreciated always.
thanks for the continous help old friend.

Eddie

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

weirdelf

Thu, 2012-03-29 15:51

quite right!

my insensitive bad.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Eduardo Cruz

Thu, 2012-03-29 19:23

Jess,

I do not think you insensitive, lets not have a pitty party. you only spoke what you saw. I will always respect that from you my friend and teacher.

Eddie
...

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

loved

Fri, 2012-03-30 08:14

You are right

if you learn about soldiers lives
it hangs so,
as beautifully as you have depicted so
its ok
lie low
go across the street
where you did once meet
the wall of loveds
poetry
how so ever silly

loved

Eduardo Cruz

Fri, 2012-03-30 10:30