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A Pristine Day (February Contest)

As darkness prints down with its claw,
they would share the same room, the same
bed and the same pillow- the dame
and her poisonous fellow.

Every night, the snake would crawl in
with its bold, green shiny eyes
while twitching along with its tail.
It starts the hissing, spitting
and growling then tightly twists
around to torque the frightened lady.

Injecting in its venom, the snake
would send her forever dead.

Just then, the lady would wake
to end up that nightmare
and defeat the snake
to celebrate
another day.

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Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I believe this is a very good attempt at overcoming a difficulty.
I also believe you could continue working at it.
The nightmare theme is great because most can relate to a recurring desperation whiled dreaming. Some have worse that others. Mine was about being chased by a monster in shallow water and I just could not move my legs to get away as they felt so heavy. Eventually the dream just stopped occurring.

The theme is a great one very relative I believe.

I believe you could tie the first Stanza and last together better.
Look at the first then the last, does the last follow the first to an end?

Regarding the internal logic:
Does each verse lead into the next and each Stanza to the next? Do you need a transition?

Finally if you try and hold the verses to the longest meter it may take your poem to a better place by pushing you to show more.
You might try 8 syllable verses and then feel the footage to make each verse sing at its best.

I hope to be helpful,

.
.
That's how I see it,

Mark L.

First of, let me thank you for you full review. Really good one!
Second, I'm just grateful that this is all imaginary, and created for the sake of the contest. This is perhaps why you felt it less coherent, but at the same time I intended to put some suspension at the beginning of the piece(1st Stanza) by not mentioning that the protagonist is myself.
However I thought the following stanzas more related and lead to one another. I wish you could tell me where you needed or need not the transition.
As for stretching the lines, I believe it's a spot on though I am not pretty sure of the results, but will certainly work on it.
Thank you again Mark,

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

Rula, don't mind my ramblings. It is easily understood and the sudden change is exactly what happens.
One can always add variations but you are you and I think it's fine.

Understand that I did that critique T 4AM and my mind was just looking for something to say.

It's fine.
Any variation would be just that, moving things around adding and/or subtracting.
At some point ya need to call it done.

.
.
That's how I see it,

Mark L.

I have stretched the lines a bit more aiming for more clarification. Would very much appreciate it if you could tell me if it reads a bit more eloquently right now.
Highly appreciate your help.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

The green of jealousy in the form of a snake. I like this as it combines temptation (snake) with that jealousy. Maybe the awakening could be put before the defeat of both with a bit of startling disconnect between the two. Now I better shut up. I have to be careful as contest director to not be seen offering too much critique on one poem.....

and wow! Yes, I think that modification has make a big difference as it shows clearly how the overcome happened.
Always appreciate a thoughtful read and a constructive feedback from the masters like you and those who occasionally visit my page.
Thank you.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

I'm a long way from being any kind of master but I'm glad you found my suggestion useful

I had a look and tried this.
There may be some ideas regarding logic in this, Rula:

The dame and her fellow
had shared the same room,
the same bed and goose down pillow.
Darkness would claw through the softness,
leave prints of nighttime terrors,
poisonous in their essence.
It slowly added to past fears.

That snake crawled in every night,
boldly and with green shiny eyes.
Twitching along by its tail
it would hiss and spit
growling, then tightly twist
around her in a fearsome torque.

Injecting her with its deadly venom,
she would die every night, endlessly.

The lady awakened
by a chop of her hand
to end that nighttime trauma
and celebrate
pristine days.

It;'s just me spending time moving words around in my own logical fashion.
It's not necessarily right or wrong, just different.

.
.
That's how I see it,

Mark L.

Appreciating all the effort you've put, I'd like to ask if you don't mind mentoring me to edit this piece? I'm not looking for any prizes, but I'm really after clarity, so would very much appreciate it if you give me a step by step constructive feedback.

Assuming that you won't let me down and would guide me all through, I'll let you know what I wanted in each stanza by writing it in prose. You tell me if what I scribbled down in the piece corresponds to that in prose. How about that?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

I like this poem of danger Symbolically such a dream may have so many implications besides the obvious danger and rescue from certain death

But have you considered why a snake?
In dream interpretation classically the snake symbolizes
hidden threats:
sexual temptation:
a callous person:
transformation:
healing:
creativity:

The reason I bring this up is because you narrate what the snake does almost child like but never really explore the innerness of fear death desire cruelty etc.

When one writes one does the hard work which is to demystify the poem with dynamic structure this in turn mystifies the poem like magic for the reader
So broadly ask yourself is it just enough to get down the basics like some foundational scaffolding. Ask yourself have you moved shocked delighted or surprised the reader in some way?
Is your language awkward or engaging. exotic, powerful Poems don't just fly into ones mouth they cost something to write or they go in the ho hum file of oblivion
I know that sounds hard but this is a workshop and I feel its important to share
and then again only if I touch something in you that makes you feel like I'm making sense

Best Z

thank you. I know what you mean. I know how bad I am at writing narrative poetry. I'm therefore asking for help. It is kind of poetry that takes me out of my comfort zone. However, the surprising part I aimed here is to use a dream/nightmare as an obstacle and making the "wake up" thing a way to overcome that obstacle, (I'm not sure I have succeeded in this part either). I hence didn't think the interpretation or exploring what the snake might suggest is necessary, but of course you know better.
I'll try to work harder to make something out of this piece and always appreciate your priceless thoughts.
One thing I need to add here is that I don't usually have real dreams or nightmares and this adds to the difficulty of writing a good one, I believe.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

I think a big part of it is slowing down and not forcing anything; feeling your self as if you are a musician carried by a melody and gorgeous composition Writing is a tool not the heart or mind
A poem is a song sang by a beautiful voice of power

Snake: Blood and bone attired as rope; a hungry spine, a coiled vacant soul

It doesnt come easy You have to feel your way along the ground of language like a snake feels its way through soil till you see the words of power like rattling mice and then snap them up like prey

agree. Shall try

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

I have a lot of experience with dreams and little knowledge as to what is meant by what happens or what is in a dream. Personally I believe dream meaning(s) are opinion. I like dreams because when lucid they can make a great muse. I tend to have 'epic' dreams.

What I did for you was make a rough draft from your rough draft.
Here is how I went about doing that:
I copy and pasted your draft to my editor.
I took each stanza individually and moved the verses and words to the most logical order by way of my perception.
Then I took each stanza and verse and with the entire poem in mind did my best to include the who, what, when, where, how and whys while keeping the overall length near your original draft posted here.
What I did is really a rough draft as well (it could use a lot more work)

As an example the first Stanza:
As darkness prints down with its claw,
they would share the same room, the same
bed and the same pillow- the dame
and her poisonous fellow.

The dame and her fellow
had shared the same room,
the same bed and goose down pillow.
Darkness would claw through the softness,
leave prints of nighttime terrors,
poisonous in their essence.
It slowly added to past fears.

You can see how I did my best to follow the most logical ways of starting this - with who.
Then:
Where were they?
What about them?
When - (nighttime)

It is an outline loosely followed but by the end of my draft I believe it is all there.
I do not look at poetry in these ways often but it seemed that although you had it all it was just sort of a bit jumbled up and I could only do what I could at the time in the critique. There is enjambment in what I did but that tends to be how I draft. Perhaps sometime we could co-write?

I hope you have a better understanding of how I viewed your poem and I understand how difficult it can be to write fiction ...kudos for you on that :~)

.
.
That's how I see it,

Mark L.

I like how that moves .
It held me all the way through.
Dame is a word from another era that feels out of place Hmm.. that is just a feeling.

the sleeptress ? make up a word lol
the dream sleeper
the dream runner
more ideas?
LOL

It has really shaped up, Rula!

Best of luck in the contest :~)

.
.
That's how I see it,

Mark L.

Mark... Appreciate your time and the comment!

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

I love the flip to a happy ending, you put the sense of relief very profoundly into terms of gratitude... such a great tool in our lives.

If you want deeper critique, I found it a tad confusing (might just be me)... actually I found myself wondering if English is not your first language, as I sometimes feel if that is the case there is a fresh & unique element in the poetry that comes from a more complex expression & interpretation.

I see you have quite a lot of input in terms of changes to your work, so I wont go there on this one. I shall try to make sure I get to visit more of your work though.

Nice to meet you

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

thank you for your kind visit. Much appreciate it. Yes, English isn't my native tongue but I think I should have a good command of it by now, so please don't hesitate to tell where do you think I went out of the track or where confusion goes. I it is what I think, I thought my readers didn't get that my fellow (the same as my poisonous fellow) is the snake, which shares me the same bed, the same room and pillow, and that's all in the dream of course.
do you think I need to modify to make this any clear.

again thank you and I am looking to reading you so soon dear.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
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author comment

Heheh, I needed to reread it in order to answer your question, but since I can't right now, I would just say no... I suspect that your put out there what your felt you wanted the world to read into it, everyone will pull a different version of it out anyway.

Just want to say too, I love the way you use English, it wasn't a criticism, it was an observation... I think it makes us come to language in a different & most refreshing way... Anyway, English has been so altered over years of different cultural influences, it is hardly recognizable to that we would hear 100 or even 60 years ago to some extent... we absorb & respond to the variations of all of us who use it.

Lovely to meet you.

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

Not sure Rula if the "in" is necessary in "injecting in its venom"....a splendid idea conceived and constructed in these verses...
.........................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

Raj. So pleased to know you like my imaginative nightmare. Wasn't an easy experience anyway.
Much appreciate it.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
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author comment
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