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The Poet's Heart (A Sonnet)(polished)

The mind has cared for silly mundane sores,
but oh, that heart which loftier thoughts has sought,
to wipe the evils out and end the wars,
to which, too troubledly, we've oft been brought.

To be, to live is what all men shall care,"
yet I am hanged at loftier, grander things
and still I'm looking for the hearts that share,
rejoice the flowers buds when bloom in springs.

Now sing and dance, no strains shall ever last
as illness, woes shall sweep away with fear.
The birds on trees shall sway and give a blast
and hands like hankies wipe the coming tear.

I wish my heart shall longer live to see
the poet's heart which prays for you and me

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I think some major changes have taken place since the early edition.I eagerly am looking for everyone's comment..Oh My ! I 've worked more than half of the day to polish the Poet's Heart.
Editing stage: 

Comments

sonnet - close
the iambic pentameter is great
imho falls down at
'yet I am hanged at what is more sublime
still I am looking for a heart that notes'

some of the rhymes are approximates -use of the 's'
thoughts / caught. .
quote / notes,
wings / swing
though you can probably get away with those

what you cannot get away with is the final
'But never does my heart that one yet find,
as just the poet's heart my heart confides'
- it does not rhyme
- if the whole poem was in blank verse you could, but you have made this a rhyming sonnet so the last lines should rhyme

also - i see no real volta
(the 'turn' at the third stanza)

altogether, however, an effort worthy of congratulations
i really like the simplicity of
'and like a hankie wipes the coming tears'

love judy

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Thanks for your valuable suggestions..I appreciate what you've just suggested. You are probably right and I shall keep these points in mind for the coming pieces.In fact this is my first real sonnet or as you call it -close
and I am happy that what you've mentioned could be avoided in the coming ones...
Thanks again

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

You have really lifted my spirits up with your gentle comment..I know everything is difficult at its beginnings as my words are not read or read but got very few responses ,however , I hope things will get better as time goes on..Thanks for reading and dropping such wonderful comment...

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

I would only emphasise the volta when writing future sonnets. It is a turning point in the theme and meaning of the poem, at the beginning of line 9. Most people forget sonnets are an 8 line/6 line form, not a 12 line/2line form.

A great first sonnet though! My first one, all I knew was that it was 14 lines, and then I wrote 13 [grins]

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

Thank you sir and yeah, Juddy is of great help since I've been to this site. Her feed back is always useful with great suggestions.
I also thank you for clarifying this volta thing and the sonnet form. I think I wasn't fully aware of them.I'll try to make sure to have bettter ones in my coming sonnets.
My biggest problem is that I don't like to rework on an older pieces but prefere to write something new instead that's why I couldn't take Juddy's suggestions into consideration..
Always honored by your visits and generous comments

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

without revisions you will never experience how you poetry can actually be enhanced.

At least change the title of this, those silly decorative doodahs are very annoying

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

I've never been told anything about those "silly decorative doodahs"
Better now?
As for the revisions, I actually find difficulty in changing the whole idea when it is not a matter of changing a word to rhyme with another , but I will try a bit on at least the last couplet of this.
Thank you sir for the insult [grins]

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

it was a pleasure to come back and read this

but remember - they are never finished
re-visit your writes from time to time and you will see
the more you practice your sonnets the more you will want to edit

iambic almost perfect
one word ‘lof – ti - er’ gives the lines two and six, five and a half feet
- and they are not feminine lines
(look those up - they are fun, give the write an extra little skip)

'but oh that heart which loftier thoughts has sought '
easy fix – change ‘loftier’ to ‘lofty’
'yet I am hanged at loftier, grander things'
same problem – suggestion – ‘higher’ for alliteration

and at
'and STILL I'm LOOK - -ing for the HEARTS that SHARE
suggestion
'anticipating yet, the hearts that share'

also a typo – you have a quotation mark at the end of line five

wonderful rula…..
now you have to look up the volta,
for that is what is stopping this from being a true sonnet
let me know if I can help
love judy
xxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Thanks dear Juddy. Yes ,this is endless I believe. I've started to like the game but I don't want the others get bored of reading the same thing again and again. I'll sure come back to on polish the poet's heart...Thank you again for your endless useful suggestions..

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

yes, I need a help in this volta thing. I thought I 've made the required turning point. Can you clarify more dear Juddy , please?

one more thing
How do you you read anticipating (stressed and un stressed )syllables please in your accent?an-TI-ci-Pat-in ?Right?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

so much better than i could
so check out the master
shakespeare’s - Sonnet #18

Shall I compare thee to a Summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And Summer's lease hath all too short a date:

Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimm'd;
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance or nature's changing course untrimm'd:

But thy eternal Summer shall not fade
Nor lose possession of that fair thou owest;
Nor shall Death brag thou wanderest in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou growest:

So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee

see how the first two verses express the will to describe his love’s beauty, but the seemingly pointlessness of it all as ‘every fair from fair sometime declines’

then the third verse says ‘but’ – here’s the ‘turn’. …’ thy eternal Summer shall not fade’
and so the last stanza has a build up to saying his poem will live and so it's not that pointless to describe her beauty after all.... and then the couplet that makes you go OH,
‘So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee’
- that sums up the last verse or the main thought of the write

and yes, an-TI-ci-PAT(e)-ing

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

this site is a workshop
therefore you shouldn't worry about putting it to the top otf the stream, that is what should be expected as the main objective of the site is to assist us improve our poetry - and we can't do that without edits.

and anyway, most people will know your write soon enough and will know by the 'new' near the number of comments as to whether they have already read it or not
then they will decide if they want to follow your poem to its full polish :)

love judy
xxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

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