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Perception

Stress takes its toll
work - life
balance going up in

smoke

relaxation
a necessary part of life
we find little
epiphanies

trappings of responsibility
discarded in favour
of me time
repose re centering

As I peer into the mirror
of a different world
my shoulders relax

I breath deep
and visualise
the cold roughness

of stone on my back
the smell of Virginia
and pollution tinging
the air

I slip deeper into
my core as
I relax in
Lowrys world.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
This is a slant view written in relation to a Lowry painting of him laying on a wall smoking a cigarette, umbrella and briefcase propped against the wall.
Editing stage: 

Comments

I don't find any fault with your consideration of the painting or your poem. I'm not sure that visualize is the right word, but for lack of a better one... ~ Geezer.
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Thank you for the comment. Interestingly somebody suggested axing the first stanzas and starting with I peer into the mirror.

author comment

,,,or, as you, appear to prefer, "critique" (I detest the term, but there you are). So here goes...

I find the absence of punctuation (including the apostrophe) irritating. I would politely suggest that this affectation has been done to death and has become a cliché of too much "poetic" writing.

Similarly, what is the merit in such random line breaks as:-

"Stress takes its toll
work - life
balance going up in

smoke" ???

Although I should far prefer to see punctuation to assist the reader, its absence should surely be logically carried through? By that I refer to the capital V in Virginia where no other capitals intrude. And spelling errors (eg. tinging and centering - I note you are British so why use an American spelling?) don't help either.

As to the meaning of the piece, I find that unclear and I find wordings/spacings like

"visualise
the cold roughness

of stone on my back"

confusing and irrelevant.

I do hope you will not be offended by my being frank but in your other posting ("Longing") that is what you advocated.
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xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars

I have no problem with honest comment thank you for taking the time to read the piece.
Semantics Edna semantics re. critique.

I worked for a long time with a mentor who never used punctuation so I am afraid I am rather fond of non punctuated poetry I think it has a place along with all other genres. I personally don't see it as any more annoying than punctuation that throws out my poetry reading by disturbing the flow. But that is just my perspective.

I used a capital V because I capitalise proper names usually.

Tinging indeed a typo thank you.
recentering yes am English but that's how I spell it. Mind you spelling is not my strongest point lol especially on a small keyboard.

I will think about your other issues unfortunately I didnt know how to attach the painting. Not that it would probably have helped you as it had to be a slant view.
This is obviously a poem for the Frankenfiles of crap..

author comment

Yes, I find it irritating that one can't attach images here. However you could have (hopefully) have found the image online and given the link to it. If that had been at the start of the poem, it would have made things clearer, eg https://www.researchgate.net/figure/The-Lake-by-L-S-Lowry-1937_fig1_3168...

Personally I like Lowry very much.
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xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars

If I had thought of it ... but I didn't! Ageing brain cells and all that!
Great idea for next time. Thank you.

author comment

...late.
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xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars

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