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Palestine...My Love (Stan's Contest)

The waftures tempt my heart, I think of thee.
Your murmurs lure to meet my comely one.
Redolent air, it calls the love in me
I stroll to bathe beneath the summer sun.

The sea, the shores, and every little shell,
the prayer calls evoke an endless love.
The thyme, the lime and grains of sand shall tell
how much I miss the petrichor thereof.

Ephemeral the joy-evanescent.
The nemeses defeat in me the zeal.
Deprived, alike an orphan- mostly sent
a broken heart, I turn no chance to heal.

The holy lands have been besieged a while
no merriment, no soul to show a smile.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

Just dropping by to offer a few comments. In S1 you used "thy" and then stopped. It changed the flow of the poem as I was expecting it again and it did not come. It also changes the tense, logic and potentially the time period depending on how it is used.

Otherwise, I found the language to be strong and the poem to be well written.

Thanks,

Scott

Thank you for dropping. Appreciate the time.
I understand that "thy" is the (archaic)use of "your". Please correct me if I am wrong.
I don't know what you mean by "I stopped" and how it changed "the tense" and "time period".
Do you mean that because it's an archaic word?

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

Because it is archaic it sets a time period. Because you don't use it again changes the time period. It also changes, for me anyway, who you are talking to(logic). Hope that helps

Thanks

Scott

again for your thoughts. I have edited though I like it that much. I still wish that someone will step in and say that it doesn't disturb the logic and the time of the poem, so I would be able to reuse it.
Thanks again. It is kind of you to give it that thought though.
Highly appreciate it.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

A very emotional write and I think it fits the bill in as much as there is seriousness and an underlying meaning too...you have indeed used some heavy words especially in stanza three which took me a couple of reads to comprehend...nothing wrong with your write just my shortcoming...

Let's see what others have to say....

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

Thank you for your kind words.
I am happy you've found it emotional and most important fits the criterion of the contest.
It was much fun to share.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

let me say that I have prepared for this sonnet differently this time
as I am preparing for my first workshop (responding to your request and others as well as sir
Wesley). I too worked on some words that I haven't used before and by the way are listed within the most beautiful words in English.
You might like to search them sometime. They refresh the voc. used indeed.
At least what I think.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

You are spot on about vocabulary. It is the foundation for expressing. More the merrier.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

I found it be very raw and marvelous to say the least, the flow is perfect and so is the theme, you drawer me in with your flow and the only problem I had was that I wanted more by the end, a flawless write for me.

.
.
[ never fall in love with your imagination,
A face that isn't real.
A seed of your desires and dreams,
A seed that'll never be a tree. ]

I am happy you have come to this piece and thought it is a good one. I would take the apportunity to invite you to my first workshop with sir Wesley Snow about composing two types of sonnets. It won't be so soon but within the coming few weeks. Hope you join. I think there will be much of fun that we can share.
Thanks again for your kind visit.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

Efficiency is a good thing. With one sonnet you enter my contest and get some practice in for Wes and your upcoming shop lol. The love for your homeland comes through clearly as does the dismay for it being in turmoil. If you haven't already, I'd appreciate your also posting this on my contest thread so I won't have to look all over to find it come judging time........stan

I have added to the blog, so it would be easy for you to follow all the entries.
It was indeed a good apportunity to do have an extra practice.
Thank you for giving the chance to share.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

I love this heartfelt poem. The words you use in stanza 3 will be a good example of how to expand my vocab. I'm still struggling with my computer problems and some other stuffs, 'else I would have been more constant in my visit here. I didn't even know about stan's contest.Some infos are lost to me of late and it kinda irritate me.

Your home is Palestine
the home of muslim heroes of my time
who stand tall in the face of adversity
and never fall apart as hearts bleed

My home is Singapore
where the people live in peace
for years this land faced no wars
pampered with such bliss
that the people love to complain
over little things and small suffering

When I hear the story of your land,
my heart is filled with chagrin.
compared to your people, my friend
our troubles are really nothing
your people were tested with conflict
and they have succeeded
my people were tested with peace
and many failed, uncontented

Be proud, dear friend
for the glory of martyrs
belongs to your fellow men..

Alid

this is an awesome writing. I hope peace would prevail and that your country would never acknowledge any conflicts.
Take care. I really appreciate your share.Your sentiments mean a lot.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

I am so sorry that your land is no longer there for you.
It must be hard to be a refugee but when you also have to see your homeland carved up and given away, it is beyond me, I cannot see any changes for the better.
I have an old Atlas here that was printed in 1944, there Palestine is large and now it is fragmented into many places that don't work.
If only the original way was to leave things as they were but the USA and others had to bend for the separation of your lands.
Yours Ian.T
Even the Cedars of Lebanon wept at the children they saw there without a land to call their own xx

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

my home land will always be there for me. In my heart it is always and sooner or later we shall regain our land.
Thank you for your feelings.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

a really good theme and volta
and a memorable couplet...

but
AIR re-DOL-ent SUMM-ons the LOVE in ME
and
the HOly LANDS be-SEIGED NOW for a WHILE
- ? just slightly off iambic
I can see a couple of easy fixes – but I won’t tell you – lol – as I know you like to find your own xxx

love judy

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

for your feedback. What do you think about the fixes?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

But you only did one
xxx
love judy
xx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

:)

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

If so... the Holy lands have been beseiged a while ???
Xxx

and lol sorry- found another
I STROLL to BATHE IN-to YOUR SUM-mer SUN....
:(

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Appreciate the time

Nice avatar by the way, a grandson?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
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author comment

Hate to admit it -GREAT-grandson...

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

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