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Pain Lessons

2:00 A.M., woken, rain,
pain and stiffness, bothersome,
listening,
heartbeat trying to keep time with the night stand clock,
or to the steady drip of rain from a leaking eavestrough.
so much noise!
i can't determine which sound was winning the race,
rain slows, drip slows, heart beats, beat, beat,
clock ticks, ticks ticks,
pain requires a shift and subsides,
rain stops, but the drip carries on,
drip, drip, drip, but slows to a slow drip,
the heartbeat slows,
the clock ticks on,
time passes, pain lessens.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
A experience from a fused spine.
Editing stage: 

Comments

A night after a operation for two ruptured discs in my neck. Good to be back!

author comment

Welcome back! That operation sounds brutal. I am glad you're alright. The only critique I have here in an inconsistency in line lengths (something I myself get called out for frequently haha). The longer lines just made it a bit awkward to read and threw me off.

A suggestion:

2:00 A.M., woken, rain,
pain and stiffness, bothersome,
listening,
heartbeat trying to keep time
with the night stand clock,
or to the steady drip of rain
from a leaking eavestrough.
so much noise!

The pauses at the end of the line serve as a moment to take a breath and continue - so it doesn't so much like a run-on sentence. I have totally been guilty of this one myself. It's an easy habit to fall into.

Otherwise, I enjoyed this piece. It's incredibly relatable.

Katie

Remember Love and Give Peace a Chance

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Thank you for your attention and kind comments.

author comment

wants to rhyme! I'm sorry, but being a rhymer myself, that just slipped out. I think that maybe if you do as D.H.M. says and rearrange your lines the way that she did, it will be easier to read. I can sympathize with the pain and the theme resonated with me. The title is clever, as I see an allusion to
piano-lesson; as though one has to take lessons in how to deal with pain. [We do!] Unfortunately, life gives us plenty of them. It flowed evenly from beginning to end. ~ Geezer.
.

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Clear expression of a snapshot of your life - it's interesting if you split poetry into timescapes.... I just glimpsed a strand of Gee's comment & I do agree a little, I also felt I wanted rhyme in there... Still, as I said, it works a snapshot of a period of time & the way you experienced it.

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

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