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Origins (exploration workshop free verse)

The coffee mug is mostly black.
In white encircling it-
as an Egyptian mosaic-
are figures metamorphing.
A Lemur dances to a tune
and turns into a hulking beast.
The beast then tries to stand.
Two incarnations and he is upright,
then his rocket pack takes him to the stars.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
My word is "cup".
Editing stage: 

Comments

I like how the title ties into the poem's progression. I am just stumbling on some of the phrasing. My suggestions are in [BRACKETS.]

"The coffee mug is black.
[yet encircled in white]-
as an Egyptian mosaic-
[with] figures metamorphing.
A Lemur dances to a tune
[turning] into a hulking beast.
The beast [struggles to gain his feet].
Two incarnations and he is upright.
[H]is rocket pack takes him to the stars."

---------------------------------------------------------

Jonathan Moore

Quite inspiring.
I agree with the last two suggestions given by Jonathon, but not the first two... I think your way is clearer there

Maybe too 'are figures metamorphing' might be better as 'is a figure metamorphing' as it is the one thing changing .... just how I read it.

Also, I think it should be spelt metamorphosing.... do you think another word there might work better .... 'transforming'.... 'becoming' ....

Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I couldn't figure out how to spell metamorphosing... even my computer fixes it when I think I have it right.
This verso libre stuff is hard on me. I have a very difficult time relaxing in my verse. It simply doesn't sound musical to me.
But I do love that coffee cup.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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author comment

the language use is very apt. I like the reference to the Egyptian mosaic thing and appreciate the metphore.
A good job when it comes to someone free verse is not his cup of tea. :)

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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My only crit after all that has gone before is in the final line
Then his rocket pack takes him to the stars.
I think 'then' is superfluous and feels a bit like try hard story telling. (How dare I say that to you? I am the weirdelf)
His rocket pack takes him to the stars.
or even
He rockets back to the stars

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

Main fault I find is stating unequivocally that the mug is black then immediately talking about the white circle in which evolution is depicted. Easily fixed by saying it's Mostly black.............stan

sort of.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

author comment
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