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One reason

I drop my motorcycle, stand up and walk
on the cracked crust of the dirt road
on the edge of the forest.

Still partly deafened by the motor
I hear a hallow staccato of giant woodpeckers,
the heartbeat of the late afternoon.

Black cows sleep-walk in the meadow.
Mustard and yarrow are in full bloom.
I take off my jacket.

I feel warm breath of the sun soaked earth.
I am lost in the honeyed air,
in my own wandering thoughts.

My memory is a bittersweet mix
of semi forgotten faces and streets.
I am reliving it.

In the buzzing of names and numbers
deep into the rewinding I see my grandmother
as if she is near.

I hear her words full of love comparing my eyes
to stars and now I realize why I was shining
the rest of my life.

I never learned to love myself enough
to survive my constant urge to explore
the limits of my gorgeous, adored by many,
but not by myself, body.

I trained it, exhausted, demanded to climb
harder routes, ride steeper, run faster.
On the day I published
I was always in the middle of the next project.

In competition with myself
I breathed into my own neck.
Not anymore.

But I am still shining,
I can see the slight glow on the side of the road
from where I have left.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Rough draft, maybe tomorrow I will rewrite it. New draft is completely redone. not sure about this one also but it is an honest write
Editing stage: 

Comments

Hi Mark! Thank you for reading. You noticed my initial hesitation what tense to use. I have settled on present and haven't changed all the verbs.
I wonder if I covey the vibe of the immense beauty of life being a reason to live and the contrasting feeling of being lost in the mess and hustle of my existence

IRiz

author comment

"Smells and sounds" are gone.
I wonder what do you say now.
I maybe trivialize it too much. But I am a simple mind and that is how I feel.

IRiz

author comment

Mark, your rule is not always applies, what if I want to say that I was deafened by the motor sound but still hear the birds?
Then I needed all the verbs to emphasize my presence and later my transition in the past.
But I see your point.

IRiz

author comment

Thank you and I do see your point. It does work better to bring a specific meaning to the writing.

IRiz

author comment

and does share with all who experience the same detachment when in nature, how memory becomes centered around yourself, or as the Dali Lama said, your universe of one.
A few spelling issues- meadows, and carefully

I think the first three stanzas are quite good, using color and the color of words and such very nice connections like honeyed air. My only issue is "dropping" the motorcycle...the poem immediately
assumes a total serenity, whereas i was anticipating some major problem because if we drop the bike on the floor...not kickstand it, park it, it sounds scary, like something's wrong, you had to "drop" it ..

For me the first three stanza have color, nature, images, charged words and poetry. The last stanza is very prosaic, has no image or colorful words, or nature, and just says it out loud. There is where I would put my effort to complete a most lovely poem.

..

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Honestly I had read you pretty precisely but before I could put it in comment you expressed what you meant.

At least this time I could make sense of the abstract
....................................................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

thank you very much, but look i changed the poem

IRiz

author comment

I can see that your train of thoughts has changed tracks but not the destination...
..........................................................................................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

thank you, i think now it is much closer to what i think about and wanted to say. But it is hard to put in words all this mixed emotions.

IRiz

author comment

hmmmmmmm...so "One Reason" is "Commotion"?
.....................................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

to shine, to give light, or love or something like that

IRiz

author comment

Motorcycle eh, nice.
"Black cows sleep-walk in yellow meadows" very evocative line. The first two stanzas are beautiful, they draw me fully into the scene.
"smells and warmth
carefully gathered all day." another beautiful image.

Only this I do not understand, "I never learned to love myself enough
to stop asking eternal questions," I can't understand why loving yourself sufficiently would stop you asking eternal questions.

I am always impressed with your gift of being one with nature, I wish I could be more attuned.
Enjoyed the poem.

T

The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

Thank you, Tyro,
those are pretty words i know, but they take away from the focus, look at the new draft, please.

IRiz

author comment

An interesting meditation on how nature centers you, makes you reevaluate what was really motivating you in life. The contrast of the drive to climb, go, publish, etc, due to insecurity it seems, and the simple motivation of love from your grandmother: that your eyes are stars. (Nature again there.) Do you mean "shinning" or "shining"? Unlike the woodpecker who has one main task in life, to peck bugs out of trees, however, and the cow who is sleep walking, you have to be awake, embrace a multifacted life. Consider what YOU think of you, what OTHERS think of you. (It's hard to be human.) We get "partly deafened" by the motor of man made things, while nature helps us hear again. In a world where we compete even with ourselves, it is nice to realize that we can slow down and listen, and remember, rest. Nice poem. Some of the thoughts after reading the poem.

Thank you dear Gregwa8,
You have got the most of it.
I am happy I have such an attentive and understanding reader!

IRiz

author comment

obviously, the edit is much longer and introduces a lot, such as your grandmother's influence on you.I want to know more about her. I feel the switch to your insecurity about your body comes out of left field (if you know the expression) and is a different poem, As a narrative, leaving the road and the bike behind you to the serenity of the woods and finally to how the mind wanders and you are reminded of your grandmother...that can be this poem. There's more than enough there to get us to a closing which ties the poem together. The very personal doubts you express are real, but I feel the subject of another poem. It's like trying to combine Milosz and Plath in the same poem.

As we've met I personally think your body is in great shape, compared to my crooked posture and bowlegged knees. You got a few decades before you have to worry about it falling apart! But this poem is more about contemplation and mind, and there is where I think this poem should stay in bounds with.

..

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Hi Eumolpus,
She was there from the beginning. In the first draft she was the one I was trying to call as if she could answer the phone. But I was tired of criptic messages and came out with simple facts that were reminded to me when I stopped the race together with a real reason of my existence.
Even if it looks much different, as I was afraid it would, the main idea is there: Embrace all this beaty and shine it back to people.
Thank you for reading my poem.
Best, Irene

IRiz

author comment

Now I also c
how u accept
challenges

let this now b
a new concept
of brevity

let the whole I
of neo admire
conceptuality

can this be a
NEW SUNKU LIKE POETRY
come and see

Sure, sweet Lovedly. TY

IRiz

author comment

I now get a very soothing feel from the poem, it takes me by the hand and leads me along the desired paths; smoothing out the quantum leaps of the first draft.

T

The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

Thank you very much, what a poetic comment!

IRiz

author comment
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