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Nose comes between kiss…

Let me tell you story it is quite funny,
There was a boy, who thought kissing on lips is difficult cuz nose comes between kiss,
Then one day he met a girl, fallen in love with her,
Girl said I love you, he said I love you too,
When girl tried to kiss him,
He stopped and started becoming silly,
Girl asked what’s wrong,
He told that when you do kiss on lips nose comes between kiss,
Girl started laughing and said wait and watch,
She grabbed his face and brought him close,
Then she kissed him on his lips,
At end she said no nose comes between kiss…
-Schrey

Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Contest: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

I Really liked the basic idea of your poem Schrey. Some thoughts on the structure:

- Title: This worked for me. Or how about Noses, Kisses, and Her?
- Language Usage: Maybe consider adding words where they seem to be missing - example: Let me tell you "a" story "that is" quite funny. Or maybe reconsider using words which keep the reader at a distance - example: Replace "Girl" with She, and see how it reads. This makes it a much more intimate piece, and helps with the flow, at least for me.
- Rhythm, Pattern & Pacing: The rhythm, flow and pacing might be helped by breaking this up into separate stanzas
- Theme - Really liked the theme - early love, lust, or romance, with a bit of whimsy.
- Internal Logic: Spot on!

Thanks for sharing your writing Schrey!

Cheers

Michael Anthony

Thank you very much. I'll will try improve on that bit.

Schrey
Life is so small so do something special.

author comment

This is super cute!! I really felt the emotion in your poem!!! I like the whole theme of it.

Vivi
(Love hanging with my family of poets)

Thank you very much. I’ll appreciate it

Schrey
Life is so small so do something special.

author comment

Thank you very much. I’ll appreciate it

Schrey
Life is so small so do something special.

author comment

This is super cute!! I really felt the emotion in your poem!!! I like the whole theme of it.

Vivi
(Love hanging with my family of poets)

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