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The Night of Day... [November contest]

In the chill of the night
In the crisp and clear fall
I see the moon and stars
Over the garden wall

Stepping out of the door
Onto the balconey
I watch the night come down
There's no one here but me

Whisper wings of the owl
Gliding so silent by
Mouse that huddles quiet
Escapes the peering eyes

Frosted spears of grasses
Sparkle and hold my gaze
See them different now
Than in the light of day

Hold my breath in wonder
Oh, how I love the night
Secrets of the day hide
Concealed by lack of light

Listen very careful
Rustles and whispers low
You may hear the silence
Of the day you used to know

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

You have some very beautiful imagery in here in honour of nature, your ending in my mind came only one word poignant. Beautifully crafted sir.

Thank you...Teddy

I am always amazed at the scope of nature found so close to the urban scene. People don't have any idea of the wildlife just outside their doors. My neighborhood is home to many things like skunks and ground-hogs. We have a skunk that usually winters under our front porch or the neighbor's, [depending on his mood, I guess]. Groundhogs that live in the retaining wall of the street above us and in our backyard and the resident sparrows under the eaves of next door. Many times, we see the hawks hunting and nesting in the tall Oak and Maple trees across the way from us and over the valley. The squirrels that are ever present and such a nusiance, [digging up the lawn, eating the flowers and chewing into the trash on collection day]. I take great comfort in the fact that these are some of the animals that we haven't managed to push out or eradicate. ~ Geez.
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author comment

I would change line 10- 14 because I am a little stuck at that part. Maybe to
The owl's wings whisper
As it glides so silently by
The Mice that huddle quiet
And escape the peering eye
I don't know, do what you want I'm a newb. I like everything else otherwise.

Vivi
(Love hanging with my family of poets)

written with an eye to keeping the syllable count to six throughout the poem. I think that, though being brief, those lines say everything that one needs, to see the scene in mind's eye. Thank you for your comments and the attention that you bring with an eye to making it clearer. ~ Geez.
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Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
to have real-time conversations with those that are up
all night or on the other side of the world.
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author comment

I understand it now. Its awesome! I wouldn't be able to do that. I have to either make everything rhyme or write in story format. That's an awesome talent.

Vivi
(Love hanging with my family of poets)

In short sentences; you have some leeway in describing action that takes place. As long as you keep the description and the action definitive, you can get away without connecting words, such as: As, and, etc. Proper sentence construction can be ignored as long as it makes sense to the reader. In those sentences you mentioned; all the words were there to give you the description and the action. I'm sure that you understood why the mouse escaped attention or that the owl's wings were quiet as a whisper. Right? Try it, you can do it too. Show me some lines like that. ~ Geez.
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Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
to have real-time conversations with those that are up
all night or on the other side of the world.
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author comment

that was so beautiful. I see me standing on the balcony with you.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

I don't actually have a balconey, but I do see these things all the time. The front of my house faces a little copse of woods across the street, that is between us and the next street down the hill. The back of the house has the same; except for the embankment that is between my yard and the next street up the hill. At one of the end of the street closest to me, there are a liitle woods. We have many animals that one would not expect to see, and on a quiet night, I sit out and watch for them. It would be a pleasure to have you sit there with me. ~ Geez.
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Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
to have real-time conversations with those that are up
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author comment

Such a beautiful sight. I’m there in this poem

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

Maybe you could use an avatar of your view at some time so we can see, I am so curious New York but not New York sound amazing.
I can share one of Tuscany

Thank you...Teddy

work on that! I am sure that there are a few people that are curious about the scenery of where I live. New York, but not NYC.
~ Geez.
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Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
to have real-time conversations with those that are up
all night or on the other side of the world.
.

author comment

Nice description of night. I live in the city but opposite a park. I feed the urban foxes most evenings and they come to my call.

Apparently some filthy pig shot one with a bow and arrow last week. I don't approve of capital punishment in principle but I would happily pull the trapdoor lever to hang that person. And I'd smile as he twitched on the end of the rope.

Dear Geez, absolutely delightful poem. You sure have privileged views. The others have already said so much, I find it difficult to say anything more useful.
In my area there have been pumas sighted, but not close to home. We have a marvellous amount of birds, from humming birds to hawks and eagles.
I'm glad I live far from any big city. I'll return to have another look, all the best, Gracy

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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury

We don't have any pumas, but we do have a neighbor that has a wolf-dog! He got loose the other day, and scared half the neighborhood. He is not vicious or concerned with anyone, just likes to wander around the backyards and if you should encounter him, will look at you with beautiful yellow eyes and go about the business of smelling everything. Eventually he will go home and scratch at the door to be let in. Oh, he did grab a squirrel last time he was in my yard, so I like to think of him as pest-control. ~ Geez.
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Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
to have real-time conversations with those that are up
all night or on the other side of the world.
.

author comment
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