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naturally

Submitted by cacia on Mon, 2013-12-09 10:16

underneath the layers
of malice
there grows a palid
umhumbled deprived
gullish
to one day it will vanish
without you and perish
yourself
amazes at the past
and how things gast
undo fast
nice feelings blast
pass bad and vast
naturally they last

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
thank you for taking time and reading.
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

weirdelf

Mon, 2013-12-09 16:54

weirdelf's picture
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Welcome to Neopoet and you've certainly got my interest.

The whimsicality of it excuses some internal inconsistencies although I do have a slight problem with there being no object of whatever it is that is ' palid, umhumbled deprived gullish'. Yes, you leave it to the reader, it's the grammar that bothers me. The conclusion is startling along with the rest.

I recorded it so you can hear it in another person's voice.
http://vocaroo.com/i/s1rqSIs9jyqj

Looking forward to more of your work.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

cacia

Tue, 2013-12-10 04:27

cacia's picture

dear weirdelf
I thank you very much for reading and feedback.
it was certainly a first to hear this piece recorded. it sounded interesting haha.
I am new in this site I have just started.
thank you for the encouragement. I now see if I can get into the rhythm of things in Neopoet.
look forward to reading your work too! :)

time follows light like whites follow clouds and red shadows
skies, rains simply stares, watching it rise no matter what the heights''

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