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Myself

I distance myself from me
away I move a million miles
beyond the homicidal floor of self
and its narrow dead sticky
fly paper walls

away from chatter castrati
and miraculous mirrors
away from vanity and horror
and the voices of shadow

I distance myself from me
I step from lunary worlds and big blue marble

and I have only
myself
a river of breaths
like transparent shaped hands
dominion of air
in a cage of bones
all petty fetters

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

At least I think I do... A bit of circumspection and a pondering of the frailties of the human existence?
That's what I took away from this. The title is alright, your language use is great and the pacing good as ever. Smooth and easy to read all the way through. Geezer.
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Yo get it right on da money and thank you for your kind compliment Im so glad you enjoyed the write
I mean its why I write so your comments feed my soul :)

author comment

our stories. Some of us have a myriad of them, and some have only a couple and some... one that they will never give up and it gets extremely tiresome. I try to take my life experiences and everyday situations and connect with the other me out there. It is always satisfying to make that connection and that is why I write too. ~ Geezer.
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Critique or comment today!

I distance myself from me
away I move a million miles
beyond the homicidal floor of self
and its narrow dead sticky
fly paper walls

This Stanza had me thinking of how I deal with challenges like bi-polar.
View them as apart from me where I can take care of them and in turn they are kind to me.
I avoid taking ownership of the results of the misfortune me but rather let them live and apart from me where I can maintain them. Give them their vanity and keep em where I can watch em.

Hope that all makes sense but you took me to a place I don't go often as now it is all habit.

Later and thanks,

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That's how I see it,

Mark L.

Most definitely and that is true of all ones limitations and situational perplexities I do it as inferred by the poem through concentration on the flux of the breath ie the royal yoga

Thanks for your comment

Best Z

author comment

very Plath. it is both personal and distances itself at the same time. I would end it:

and I have only
myself
a river of breaths
like transparent shaped hands
dominion of air
in a cage of bones

The last line, the petty fetters...first i don't think sounds good, ending with a tongue twister. and also doesn't connect to me as a finish as much as a "cage of bones" which sounds good and feels potent..

But refreshing poem, with a lot of depth! (and one which passes the censor board)

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

...many thanks ...I felt kinda naked with out the word f**** but ill try to get through the day ;)

author comment
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