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My Monster
When I was young,
he could be found
hiding in my closet
and lurking
beneath my bed.
The elders always
told me not to worry.
Monsters aren't real.
There only in your head.
I asked them if it
was the same way with god.
Cause he seems real to me
and this monster
is looking to be fed.
And so it came to be,
just as they had professed.
I found that fucker
living deep inside of me,
standing in the depths
of my worried little mind,
whispering the message
"I won't stop
until they find you
Dead."
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
Ian.T
Thu, 2014-02-27 10:16
8men
This was a little disjointed, the flow was interrupted by loss of rhyme.
The theme was good but needed expanding, get under that bed see those eyes recoil then as for your god image see the great difference then you may not be dead ???
Take care look forward to answers, Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
Pugilist
Thu, 2014-02-27 11:04
I'm going to agree with Ian
I feel the piece could be smoother and have more impact with a little attention to detail.
I understand this is free verse but you have set it up with an internal structure in the first stanza, violated that in bit in the second and then discarded it entirely in the following.
When composing in free verse, it is important to not show a structure you do not intend to be part of the work and if that requires re-arranging words and thoughts, it is better to put that work in up front so that folk do not feel as if you've failed at your attempt based on the perception of a structure you never viewed as important.
A case in point. Your first stanza is a complete thought and I feel this is an excellent use of the free verse style.
Your next stanza contains three distinct thoughts and ends with the creation of a rhyme pattern that is carried to the third stanza which contains two distinct thoughts.
The direction is valid and the imagery and allegory is worthwhile but this is messy without purpose.
Also, the last line of stanza two; "There" should be "They're" unless you can structure the line so that it actually means "the monsters are there in your head."
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Jonathan Moore
eightmenout
Sat, 2014-03-01 07:12
Ian / Jonathan
Gentlemen, I appreciate you stopping by and taking the time to offer your thoughts. This work was something that was rattling around and I needed to get out in order to move on to something else. I quickly wrote it out and intended to discard, but decided to post it to see what people thought of the premise. Seems the premise is good. You can expect that I will take your thoughts under advisement and work towards completing this piece.
Thank you,
Scott
Scott
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