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'Mordor'...

Blackness, descends upon the land
No freedoms to perform or hold
Mordor's darkness, is beneath his hand
Death is what you get for being bold

Complacent people herd, you know
Ostrichsized, with buried heads
They make believe it isn't so
It's too late when you are dead

Look around you, see the truth
Don't turn your eyes away
Wasted days, and Ananias' youth
I think we all should pray

Hope they grow up right
Teach them what you can
The future will be bright
If they will only be a man

Work hard and play some too
Temperance for some
Now it's up to you
The battle can be won

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Last few words: 
Not sure about the rhythm, it seems a bit rough here and there.
Editing stage: 

Comments

For the last two stanzas.
Youth is our last hope.

'Mordor' is not there in my dictionary. Any help?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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It is the dark, devastated land where the lord of evil, Sauron, reigns

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

To use this title raises expectations the poem does not fulfil.
Tolkein himself was adamant that his works were not political allegory.

Blackness, descends upon the land
No freedoms to perform or hold
Mordor's darkness, is beneath his hand
Death is what you get for being bold [oh really? The Fellowship of the Ring were bold]

Complacent people herd, you know [you know serves no function than to fill the line]
Ostrichsized, with buried heads [Ostracised]
They make believe it isn't so
It's too late when you are dead

Look around you, see the truth
Don't turn your eyes away
Wasted days, and Ananias' youth
I think we all should pray [no, fuck off! Why would anyone pray to a non-existent entity?]
[you know it is deadly to put a poem in the second person. It changes it to preaching and only the weak-minded like that]

Hope they grow up right
Teach them what you can
The future will be bright
If they will only be a man

Work hard and play some too
Temperance for some
Now it's up to you
The battle can be won

The last 2 stanzas are trite homilising. I love you man, and much of your work but this is possibly the worst of your I have ever read. Unless it is all ironical, if so I missed that and am sorry.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

I didn't live up to the expectations of the title. I apologize to Tolkein for the use of Mordor. This poem was meant to be satirical. I think I tried to enfold too many ideas at the cost of being clear.

1) "Death is what you get for being bold." Was meant to bring attention to the people who are killed for their outspoken diatribes against despots and tyrants.
2) Of course I needed to fill the line!
3) I meant [Ostrichsized], not ostracized, to emphasize the buried heads!
4) " I think we all should pray" was taken too literally, in this case. [ I simply meant, that we should give a great deal of thought to what is happening! " All that is needed, for evil to triumph, is for good men to do nothing!"
[ I think I got that right? ] I do admit, that the last two stanzas are trite and [ homilising ]? Anyways, thank you for your honest critique, ~ Gee

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author comment

Ask someone else for a second opinion.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

What do the rest of you think? Jess says that he thinks that it was his reading of the poem that didn't let it make the grade.

Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
to have real-time conversations with those that are up
all night or on the other side of the world.
.

author comment
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