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Miss You

Sorrow engulfs and smothers the heart.
Which longs to have you near
Weighing down my very soul
Excreting every single tear

Bitter thoughts blaze in my mind.
As I lay our love to rest
In fields of pink carnations
Dead leaves falling where I tread

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
A little one I wrote about missing him. Pink Carnations are a symbol of never to be forgotten and dead leaves symbol sadness. Thought maybe explaining my use for these would help with the imagery and the message being conveyed Many thanks for reading LG :)
Editing stage: 


Title okay. It says what it means but a little obvious I think. (Perhaps just 'Missing You') ?
Language is always good with you LG.
Rhythm etc. Stanza 1, L3 is 2 syllables short of being there. Try something like :
'Weighing down my very soul',
I also think Stanza 2, L2 & L4 should rhyme (as stanza 1) therefore perhaps:

As I lay our love to rest
Bitter thoughts conjure in my head (Might even exchange conjure for 'blaze' - 1 syllable instead of 2)?
In fields of pink carnations
Dead leaves falling where I tread.

Nothing wrong with theme. That's where you are at this moment.
Nought wrong with beginning and end either LG.

A little work and then a fine piece.

Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan

Hello Alan,
Many thanks for the helpful input. I will put myself to work tomorrow as it's a bit late now. Much appreciate all your sound advice. I am here to learn :)

Kindest regards

author comment

I think I did it all. Thank you for helping me with this

Kindest regards
LG :)

author comment

how about shortening the title to make it read less personal? Maybe, "Missing You," as Alan had suggested? Btw, he offered good advice and in doing so, he stole my thunder. Actually, I love your passion, but perhaps it's time to put the affair to rest. A somewhat sad, but very nice poem. JerryK.

Thanks for the title advice, I will switch it so it's not so personal. It is not an affair, being widowed has probably been the hardest challenge for me. Sadly it does reflect in my writing. I will be sure not to share any more of this subject

Kind regards

author comment

please accept my most profound apologies for my out-of-place comment. So sorry. JerryK.

Thank you Jerry, it was a human error. No harm done. People don't expect someone like me to already be widowed. He was only 30 years old. In the UK carnations, particularly pink are used at funerals. People wear them in their buttonholes. I assumed everyone would recognise that bit. My human error.

Thank you for kindness

author comment

stop being human! I was aware of you being a widow and saw right away that it was about you missing your spouse. Jerry was just trying to be helpful and suggest that you get over someone who has hurt you. You share all you want and need to with us, we are and will be respectful. Nice work, by the way!
~ Geezer.

Come to chat every Thursday - 3:30 to 4:30 pm. EST.
With: c Lynn Brooks and Geezer

Thank you for your kind words and support. Sorry I missed the chat last night. Too late for me in the UK.

Thanks for reading my poem

Kind Regards


author comment

on getting something going for our European members. We know that the time difference is a hardship on some of you. hang in there! ~ Geezer.

Come to chat every Thursday - 3:30 to 4:30 pm. EST.
With: c Lynn Brooks and Geezer

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